2.5 Men - 1 Man + 1 Man = Sucks

When I heard Charlie Sheen 'lost his mind' and turned into a rock star warlock from Mars while essentially jumping out the window of Two and a Half Men, I thought, "Wow! That's crazy! Charlie is crazy! Why would he throw all that away and make such a spectacle of himself?! How crazy!"

I have one and half things to say about this upon reflection, and in light of the new show that just aired starring Ashton Kutcher.

1) Charlie Sheen is not crazy.

.5) What if this was all planned?

Let's start with the first point, in which I must confess I've never watched Two and a Half Men. I've seen a clip here or there while surfing - maybe consuming 4 minutes of its 8 seasons. I assessed that Charlie and Jon Cryer are brothers. Angus is the son of Jon. They live in Malilbu in Charlie's house. For some reason Charlie has money, he's able to bed lots of women, and admits to a loutish reputation. I have no idea if that's correct. I've never watched the show. It strikes me as lame and boorish.

But because of all the ballyhoo and buzz, I could not miss Charlie's antics, name calling, firing, resulting Torpedo tour, and Ashton Kutcher stepping up to fill his shoes. I'm a regular person with cable, internet, and the occasional tabloid magazine in line at the grocery.

Charlie Sheen is CRAZY!

Duh.

So I watched the 9th season premiere along with 28.7 million people - the most viewers in its history. Again, I don't know the premise of the show. But the new season opens with the funeral of Charlie. Women tell the things he left them - herpes, vaginal warts, etc. Someone wants money owed him for 'pharmaceuticals'.

THANK GOD the show uses a laugh track. The ONLY funny line I can recall was when the 'widow' explains Charlie died when he was hit by a train and "exploded like a balloon full of meat". That was funny.

But what a steaming stream of stinking shit Two and a Half Men is. It IS boorish and lame - even with this extraordinary opportunity to reinvent/reboot itself.

8 seasons?

Seriously?

No, seriously?

Sigh.

I don't need to tell about the rest of the show. Ashton will be a kindler/gentler Charlie. That's pretty much it.

So, to conclude my first point, 8 seasons of lame one liners and canned laughter mixed with LOTS of money and celeb status - no wonder Charlie Sheen wanted out. I get it.

Now let me address my half point:

Tv Star + (Appearance of) Crazy X Publicity = RATINGS.

Ok, that's not rocket surgery. Let's also all know that despite the brilliance of having a two part opener, the ratings are going to DIVE. But now let's jump ahead to the tenth or eleventh season when the show MUST come to an end. Charlie Sheen is back on earth and in Hollywood's good graces now that he's been paid what he's owed, and he's getting all the syndication money. Everyone loves everyone. Right? So why wouldn't they bring Charlie back from his closed casket 'death' and go for a ratings campaign AGAIN?

Money. In. The. Bank.

Hmmm, maybe that's more than half a point.

Nonetheless, I feel my math is correct. Feel free to add it up yourself.