Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Tuesday Doomsday



It's Tuesday. Pam is in the hospital (since Sunday), and our nanny (who is awesome) happens to have the day off (birthday). I don't have much going on at work today (client review), so I'm the manny today. It's just me and the kids.

Because of the flooring done in the basement last week while we were on vacation, we have no cable or wifi. But that's no big deal. We also, as I discovered last night, have no hot water.

So I call the plumbing people first thing.

"We can get someone out there this afternoon," she says.

"No one can come sooner?"

"Nope."

But a short while later she calls back.

"We can get someone out there in about an hour. Would that be ok?"

"Hmmm, let me think about it a second yes that would be great."

I give the kids breakfast. But I can't really wash things. I rinse them and put them in the dishwasher, but the dishwasher is now full, so I start stacking the dirty clean plates and glasses on the counter.

The plumber shows up. I take him downstairs with Judah under my arm. He takes a look at the hot water tank, tinkers with it for awhile, and says, "It's gone."

(It's a year past warranty.)



The plumber goes out to his truck and comes back with a quote for a new hot water tank. It costs more than having the floor redone. So I do the math in my head. I multiply the dishes by meals and mouths, and then subtract space and time. I divide by necessity.

"Ok," I say. "Can it be done today?"

"If it's in stock."

He makes a call. It is.

"Alright," I say. "Let's do it."

I play with the kids and eventually start to think about lunch. The plumber comes back. He needs to remove the old water tank before putting in the new one. He explains he also has to cut the gas and water.

"No problem," I say. "Just give me fifteen minutes to make a frozen pizza."

The smartest thing I do is refill the Brita pitcher with water. I do it just in time as the faucet slows to a drip.

Now we have no gas. And no water.

The kids eat pizza, and some apple and blueberries that I rinse with water from the Brita.

After lunch I put Judah down for his nap. The mechanical closet is right next to his room. They're going to start banging away soon. But I bet he'll sleep through it.

When I come back upstairs I have a different view of the kitchen. Breakfast and now lunch have forsaken the smooth landscape of the granite countertop with stalagmites of various foodstuffs, and the floor (under where Judah sits) is a wasteland of carrots, apples, and bits of cheese. Food is fastening itself to plates, bits of juice are becoming part of the glass. The dishwasher is mocking me.

As much as Pam is a Stein now, she's still very much a Mufson. She would FREAK OUT IN HORROR if she saw the kitchen right now. It is a hot dry crusty mess. So it's good she's not here, as it's very pre-Renaissance here at Chez Stein - like we're only a rat infestation away from a great plague.

Nola's room is on the other side of the mechanical closet, so we play dolls upstairs in Pam and my bedroom. I can hear the men working below. I check the monitor. Judah is asleep.

Nola and I turn the dolls into mermaids. The bedspread is the sea and the pillow is land. Suddenly Nola gets a look on her face. It's one I vaguely remember from when she used to sit in the car where Judah sits now. I saw it years ago in the rear view mirror on a trip to visit aunt Karen and uncle Greg. And I see it now as she sits across from me on the bed. It is a look of uncertainty. She doesn't understand what's traveling up from her stomach and into her mouth. Ah, yes. There it is - lunch! A Vesuvial eruption all over our bed, bedspread, pillows, and carpet. It's on her clothes, robe, and teddy bear.

It's SO gross, especially that hot vomit smell that instantly fills the air.

For what it's worth, I'm pretty good in a crisis. I'm very calm. My brain shifts down a gear to the one that focuses on traction. No yelling, no screaming.

"C'mon, sweetheart. Let's go to the bathroom. It's ok."

I lift her up and carry her to our bathroom. I start to take off her clothes. Instinctively I turn on the faucet.

Nothing happens.

Because there's no fucking water.

#Facepalm

I grab a towel and wipe her down. It's all I can do. I throw her clothes and the towel in the tub. As it turns out, Pam's clothes from the other day are still there.

So. Gross.

"I feel better now that I threw up, daddy. It's all orange which is good because I like colors."

"Good, I'm glad."

From downstairs - a loud bang. They must have dropped something. And it's followed by screaming. But not from the men. It is the screaming of a sleeping baby suddenly not sleeping.

I finish wiping Nola down, and bring her out to the family room where our suitcases remain unopened from our vacation. I unzip one.

"Are any of these your clothes?"

Nola takes out some shorts and a top.

"Ok, put those on. I have to get Judah."

I go downstairs to get Judah. He is not happy.

"What the fuck, man! I was sleeping! And then there's this loud bang and all of a sudden I'm wide awake! And no poop! I always poop when I nap and now I'm backed up and where the fuck were you, man?! I've been screaming for like three minutes! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!"

"Dude," I say. "Not now. I need you to be cool."

"I'm not going to be cool! I'm upset! I'M VERY VERY UPSET!"

I put Judah in a fresh diaper and go check on the men to see how much longer. Only they're not there. Where the fuck are they?

I go upstairs to check on Nola. She's fine.

"It's good to throw up, dad, because then you feel all better."

"Ok, good."

I call the plumbing people. They'll check where the men are and get back to me. I sit with Judah and Nola in the family room, pretty much now the safe room.

I hear the men outside coming around back. I bring Judah downstairs and ask how much longer. 'Bout an hour' they say. I explain about the vomit. 'Maybe sooner,' they say.

I go back upstairs with Judah to sit with Nola who's playing on the couch. She's fine. But then that look of uncertainty...

I scoop her up in a flash and take her to the powder room, the only vomit-free bathroom. She aims for the bowl, but most of the damage has already been done. It's on her and me, and in her hair.

And there's still no fucking water.

That smell.

I wipe her down with hand towels and make a pile of her clothes and the towels on the floor. All of a sudden I'm Liam Neeson in Taken 1, 2, or 3.

"I'm going to get you more clothes. Stay here."

Judah is about to put his hand in a puddle of bile, but I grab him just in time and take him down with me to get more clothes for Nola. I explain to the men as I pass by that I need the water on. I'm still Liam Neeson. "Guys, I really need the water on. It's not so pretty up there. I need. The water. On."

I dress Nola and we sit in the family room and wait. I watch Nola and Judah play together. It's sweet. They have no idea, no care for clean dishes or laundry. So innocent.



After the first vomiting - which seems like days ago - I remember thinking how things couldn't get worse. Now after the second vomiting, I refuse to hedge that same bet.

It's after 5. How did it get to be after 5? Dinner. I need to make them dinner.

What to do, what to do?

But you know what? It's not the Dark Ages all up in here. We have a microwave. And a refrigerator.

#ChallengeAccepted!

Judah has a repeat of lunch for dinner, and I heat up some broth for Nola in the microwave. I can do this. As God as my witness I can do this!

When dinner is done, I stack the dirty dirty dishes on top of the dirty clean dishes and then we all find safe harbor on the couch. And wait. The sun goes gold over my shoulder.

"Mr Stein?!"

I go to the top of the stairs.

"Yeah?"

"You're set. You got hot water. It might take a bit for the water to heat up, but you should be good."

But he had me at 'set.'

Within 20 seconds I'm downstairs filling the tub with warm water. When the plumber finds me to sign everything, Judah is already in the bath.

After I put Judah down, I put Nola in the shower.

"We're double shampooing your hair tonight."

"But dad!"

"You have vomit and food and all kinds of nastiness in your hair. We're double shampooing and that's it."

"Fine."

After I put Nola down I call Pam to check in. Her voice is weak and tired. She says they may keep her until Friday. She asks how everything is at home.

"Fine," I say. "No big."

"The kids are ok?"

"Yup. They're sleeping. It's all good."

I say goodnight and goodbye and now the real work begins. My home is way past nightmare. It is a hellscape. And for the next 6 hours I am wiping things down, spraying things, soaking things, vacuuming, and doing laundry. Loads and loads of laundry. Sheets and blankets and towels - things that take a long time to dry.

And now it's four in the morning. Even though I've had the bacon scented candle going for hours, the vomit smell still lingers. But I'm done for the night. I have clean sheets now and I'm done.



The kids won't be up for another three hours.

Or so.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


Addendum 1

Judah and I have not come down with anything. (Knock on virtual wood.) It would seem we are Gods.

Addendum 2

The car seat. Nola threw up in it on Sunday. It's been in the car with the windows cracked for days. Luckily, it's been cool out. Long story less complicated, I took it apart and cleaned it Wednesday night. The hard part was putting it back together. It reminded me of the time I replaced the gasket in the dryer. I will never do that again. I'll gladly pay someone $175 to do it for me. Concerning the car seat, the key is the 'D-Ring' located in back. If this ever happens to you - the D-Ring.

Addendum 3

I brought Pam home Thursday evening. And Judah nailed it. "Mama!"


Bonus: In lieu of vomit pics, here are some highlights from how it went down Sunday night/Monday morning...


Pam is unwell.
(As fate would have it, she's in the same room I was when I had vertigo.)


So far they think Nola is just visiting...


...and having a moment with Mommy.
(The clock's not working in this room, by the way. It only worked once while we were here.)


No, she's here as a patient - in her own room.


The nurse gives her some My Little Pony stickers, and Nola explains about how everyone is always surprised that Twilight Sparkle has wings as the needle goes in. She takes her IV like a champ.


And when I see Pam on Wednesday, she is doing MUCH better. Thursday evening I take her home.

Fin.

Friday, January 23, 2015

No One Wants a Car Stall



According to this test on the internet, I'm a feminist.

No, not really.

Because I don’t like labels, that’s why. I mean no one does, right?

Well, every now and then feminism comes up. Someone’s like, ‘Hey, are you a feminist?’ And I’m like, ‘Sure, I dig chicks.’

Easy. Eeeeasy. Just stay with me. I know exactly who I am, ok. I’m equal rights. Period.

Whoa, what? No, I’m not making a joke. C’mon, man, that’s just a part of speech. I’m using it for empha-

Of course you’re not a man. I just said man because that’s what people say.

Yes, like ‘hey guys.’

Because dude’s not right, right? And I can’t say ‘c’mon, woman’ because that’s even worse.

Ok, now where was I? Right. I’m a word guy. Just the other day I was thinking about Chiberia vs Chillinois. I live in Chicago so you’d think Chiberia, but I prefer Chillinois. I think it’s actually more clever. I saw it on a billboard for vodka and I was like, yeah, that totally works.

Anyway, feminist sounds kinda girly. 

What? It does.

No, there’s nothing wrong with girly.

Ok, if I’m looking at two bracelets and one is made of thin gold chains and the other is black steel cable, I tend to go for the black steel cable. Doesn’t mean I’m not girly. I’m comfortable being girly. I like colorful dress socks and umbrella drinks as much as the next guy. I just dig the black steel-.

Girly, I don’t know, it’s got lace. It’s soft…

Yes, boys can like things that are soft. I like things that are soft.

I can’t say girly? Seriously?

Fine. Feminist sounds feminine.

Yes, I know what it means. It just SOUNDS feminine.

No, there’s nothing wrong with feminine. But I’m a guy. I’m a dude. If I’m going to buy myself a jacket I don’t want one that has curves and a bust, ok? I want something kinda boxy that tapers a bit toward the waist, and preferably it has a swing shoulder.

I don’t know, it’s got vents in back, and it gives you a little bit more room when you need to bear hug someone.

Yeah, I hug. What’s wrong with hugging?

Then yes, I guess I’m in touch with my feminine side.

No, I have no problem with feminine. I get it. It’s just a word. And we need certain words to help describe things. It’s so we all understand what we’re talking about. I’m totally on board with that.

Well, I consider myself a humanist. I’m for human beings. It doesn’t matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, social class, height, weight, vertical jump. We should all have equal rights.

I don’t know. I guess I wish feminist was humanist. I think it would be much easier for everyone to get behind.

No, I know. I understand. But it’s like car stall.

Just hear me out. Car stall. It’s totally what it is; a stall in which you park your car. But no one wants to call it that. They want something fancy, a little more all encompassing.

Exactly. People want a garage. I can put my bikes in there. My kid has a Big Wheel. Maybe I have a riding mower. A garage. Feminism should be like a garage where everyone is welcome.

Humanism.

You’re right. No, that doesn’t take into account the centuries upon centuries of unfairness, inequality, and oppression.

Yes, you’re right.

You’re right.

No.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

Then fine, I am a feminist.

Yup. A hundred percent.

No, I don’t need this test to tell me. I am absolutely positively hundred percent a feminist.

I’m a feminist I’m a feminist I’m a feminist.

Can I ask you one thing?

The other day I jumped rope for 30 seconds. Well, it was 30 seconds, rest a minute, jump another 30 seconds, rest-

Thanks, I’m trying to watch my figure, so…

I saw you smile.

Anyway, it was hard. Like my heart was going to explode because apparently I lack the cardiovascular superpowers of a little girl.

Can I say that? Is that funny?

You’re laughing so it was ok, right?

Because it’s not as funny if I say boy instead of girl. It’s just not.

Right, but by making this joke I just want to be clear that I’m not trying to retard the progress of civilization and culture.

Oh, c’mon, I used it like a verb!

Monday, January 5, 2015

I Am A Complete Gun Nut

I'm a gun nut. Been a big fan of guns since I was a kid. Pretty sure my parents gave me my first gun; although, I can't remember as guns have always been part of my life.

Guns are VERY popular in my family and have been since like forever. We break them out big time during the holidays. As soon as someone walks in the door - BOOM! You can hardly get a word in edgewise without someone shoving a gun in your face.

People get all crazy when they talk about kids and guns in schools. I say give 'em to the teachers, too. Same with the lunch people, hall monitors, and janitors. Even the ones in charge of detention. But first and foremost, let's load our youngsters up with all kinds of guns. With the bullying and everything else, kids NEED guns. They need to feel safe and protected, loved. I can't imagine a world where kids didn't have access to guns. Heartbreaking.

Look, I'm not the only one who says happiness is a warm gun. Hello, The Beatles!

And all that open carry stuff - calm down, everyone! Much ado about not too much. I say, let your freak flag fly! Let everyone see that thing! Don't be shy - if you got it, flaunt it. Everyone else can just look out the corner of their eye and admire it, covet it. (Although, really, I'd like to see something where anyone who wants a gun can get one.)

Guns are the answer people. G U N S. Guns!.

Oh, wait. Crap. I meant hugs. Hugs. My bad. Carry on...

Saturday, January 3, 2015

New Years Eve 2015, Our Epic Rager



My wife and I had a rager New Years Eve. An epic rager.

We had been drinking pretty much ALL day. By the time the sitter got to the house we were like, 'Goodbye, goodnight, and good luck!'

I don't even remember how we got downtown. I think it was actually one of those peddle trolleys with a bunch of Tri-Delts. It was freezing, but when you're playing 'redlight take a shot', you don't really feel the cold.

Anyway, they drop us off at Excalibur because that's where we always start. But there's something wrong at the door. This big brick of a guy says we're NOT on the list. My wife goes zero to a hundred in a nanosecond and gets right in his face.

"We're VIP, dude! We're VEE VIP!" And then she starts throwing gang signs, at least I think they are. The guy keeps his cool and points to the end of the line, which is actually around the corner. I put my arm around my wife and tell her we'll get it straightened out when we get inside.

Anyway, we're there for like a minute when a van pulls up. It's a red Econoline from 1994 - so not quite something you see shuttling the well-heeled at the airport, but not quite something Tommy Bradford would drive. The side door slides open. The interior is white, but it's a white that's 'seen things'. A young woman is sitting by herself in one of the captain chairs. Starting at the floor and cradled between her legs is what appears to be a red four foot bong. She can barely reach the bowl, but she pulls it and inhales. She looks familiar to me as she leans back, but I can't quite place her. She's thin with wisps of blonde hair. Her eyes, which have a lot of liner, are kind of squinched. Bright red lipstick on her lips...

She holds her breath, like really holds it. And then all of sudden coughs out a big plume of smoke. It's either Pineapple Express or Purple Kush. With one hand on the bong, she holds up the other as she's coughing. I totally know who this is.

"Are you Tay-"

"SHUT IT, BITCH! Shut it right fucking now!"

My wife is putting 5 and 6 together as she stares at the woman.

"Ok, ok, ok," says the woman. "Just get in. Get in!"

We climb in and sit on the bench in back.

"Dan!"

The driver hits a button on the dash and the door slides shut.

My wife and I stare at the woman and look around the van. The floor is littered with Burger King bags. Lots and lots of Burger King bags. And unwrapped Twizzlers. It's like someone went to Costco, bought a tub of Twizzlers, and just dumped them out. And despite the Pineapple Kush wafting through the air, it smells a little like pee.

"Where the fuck is Thalia Hall?" asks the woman.

My wife and and I look at each other, shrug our shoulders.

"Seriously? You don't fucking know? You tourists? You from Indiana or something?"

"No," I say. "Chicago. But we don't know Thalia Hall."

She sizes us up.

"Y'all know I'm dating Andrew WK, right?"

I shake my head. My wife, however, as someone who sets her homepage to US Weekly, slowly nods her head. "Yeah," she says. "I think I read that."

"Well, I'm supposed to meet him there and these two don't know where the fuck that is."

The driver waves his hand. And the guy riding shotgun waves his hand. "Hi," he says. "I'm Paul."

"What the fuck do you do anyway, Paul?" asks the woman. "Why are you even here?"

"I'm your guard, ma'am."

"Well, what if these two are trying to kidnap me?"

"You're actually kidnapping them, ma'am."

The woman lets this sink in for a moment and a smile crawls across her mouth.

"Ha! You're right. Y'all want beer or some shit?"

My wife is kind of in shock that this is happening. I'm actually pretty good with it.

"What do you got?" I ask.

"Best goddamn beer there is... Fuckin' Hamm's!"

For the next three hours my wife and I drive around Chicago in a van with Taylor Swift pulling bongs and slamming Hamm's. We are literally partying hard while trying to hook up with Andrew WK.

(No, I don't know why no one didn't just google Thalia Hall on their phone.)

Some of my best New Years moments ever have taken place in cars - looking at you David, Ab, Bill, Ed, and Laura. Anyway, we're on LSD (Lake Shore Drive) heading back downtown (we were EVERYWHERE) when we see the fireworks at Navy Pier. They're beautiful! It's like Fourth of July. Only much much colder.

My wife and Taylor are pretty much BFFs now. They're laughing and singing. But I'm beat. I didn't sleep well the night before and it's catching up with me.
The van pulls into the Hotel Raphael. Andrew WK is waiting there. He's wearing a light blue cardigan, khakis, and light blue flip flops. He's under the heat lamps so I guess he's not too cold.

"TayTay," he says as Taylor stumbles out of the van. "I was so worried about you." They hug and Taylor points to us.
"This are my new friends."

We give him a small smile and wave.

"Hi," he says as he shakes our hands with a firm grip. "I'm Andy. So nice to meet you."

"Uh, I like your advice column," I say.

"Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks. Would you like to come up to our room and have some water or something."

My wife is totally up for it, but I pull her back.

"We have to get up early. We have kids, so..."

"Totally understand. I have nieces and nephews. I get it."

Taylor points to the van.

"These guys will take you wherever you want to go." Dan and Paul wave from inside the van. Taylor turns back to us with the sweetest kindest smile. "Thanks for hanging out you guys." And she puts her hands to her chest and makes a heart shape. I didn't think I was that kind of guy, but I totally did the heart shape thing back.

And that was our night. Maybe not a full on epic rager, but it was pretty cool.

Full disclosure: I don't really know any Taylor Swift songs other than that one about shaking.

Fuller disclosure: I probably should have asked if WK is a family name.

Fullest disclosure: My wife does not know any gang signs.





Monday, October 13, 2014

#Proof

I do the NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge. What follows is my assignment/story.

Group 9
Genre: Drama
Location: A bank vault
Object: A drop of blood
612 words

(Yes, this story is all told in tweets.)

Synopsis: @EasyBake1977 and @Lucifer666 pull off a heist, but there are unwanted guests along for the ride.



Easybake1977 16m
@Lucifer666 How’s it look?

Lucifer666 16m
@EasyBake1977 Quiet. Not too many people.

Easybake1977 16m
@Lucifer666 To confirm, you’re cool witht his?

Lucifer666 16m
@EasyBake1977 Yes. In and out. #NoBig

Easybake1977 16m
@Lucifer666 And you have the key?

Lucifer666 16m
@EasyBake1977 In m pocket.

Easybake1977 15m
@Lucifer666 Last chance to back out.

Lucifer666 15m
@EasyBake1977 No, I’m in,! Let’s do this!!!

Easybake1977 14m
@Lucifer666 OK. I’m in the mainframe. Just give me a sec. One m]ore security wall…

Lucifer666 14m
@EasyBake1977 Standing by…

Easybake1977 13m
@Lucifer666 ALL SYSTEMS DOWN! YOU ARE GOOD TO GO!

Lucifer666 13m
@EasyBake1977 Fuck! There’s a gourd!

Easybake1977 13m
@Lucifer666 Gourd?

Lucifer666 23m
@EasyBake1977 #Spellcheck.

Lucifer666 13m
@EasyBake1977 Going!!!

Lucifer666 11m
@EasyBake1977 I’M IN! I’m in the back. Right at the vaulet. Need code!

Lucifer666 11m
@EasyBake1977 Code! CODE CODOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucifer666 11m
@EasyBake1977 CODE!!!!!!!

Easybake1977 11m
@Lucifer666 16 25 75 6 88 9 12 45

Easybake1977 11m
@Lucifer666 Sorry. Bathroom.

Lucifer666 10m
@EasyBake1977 BATHROOM?! WTF!

Easybake1977 10m
@Lucifer666 This is STRESSFUL. You kno3 anbout my #IBS!

Lucifer666 10m
@EasyBake1977 Keep your shit together! #seewhatididthere I’m in.

Easybake1977 10m
@Lucifer666 Seriously?

Lucifer666 10m
@EasyBake1977 WHAT??! YES! I’M IN THE FUCKING VAULT!

Easybake1977 10m
@Lucifer666 LOL but don’t make fun of #IBS.

Lucifer666 10m
@EasyBake1977 FUCK!!!

Easybake1977 10m
@Lucifer666 What?

Easybake1977 9m
@Lucifer666 What’s going on?

Easybake1977 9m
@Lucifer666 ????????????

Lucifer666 9m
@EasyBake1977 We’re good. Had to take out a bank employee.

Easybake1977 9m
@Lucifer666 Take out? WTF? That;s not what we agreed on! NOOOOO! You werent supopsed to kill anyone!!! You have a gun? NO GUNS! What? I ca

Lucifer666 9m
@EasyBake1977 FAKE. Fake out. We’re fine. #DeepBreaths Which box?

Easybake1977 8m
@Lucifer666 23301

Bonerdude12 8m
@Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977 I’m late to the party here, but is this a robbery? R u live tweeting a robbery?

Lucifer666 8m
@EasyBake1977 Need to get a chair. It’s up high.

Easybake1977 8m
@Lucifer666 Not much time!

Lucifer666 8m
@EasyBake1977 Got it. Ther’s a bunch of stuff in here? What am I looking for?

Bonerdude12 8m
@HottieHotHot R u seeing this… @Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977

Easybake1977 7m
@Lucifer666 It’s a slide. A microscope slide. There will be a red dot right in the center.

Lucifer666 7m
@EasyBake1977 Got it.

HottieHotHot 7m
OMG! I’m totally seeing this! RT”@Bonerdude12: @HottieHotHot R u seeing this… @Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977

Easybake1977 7m
@Lucifer666 20 seconds and security comes back online.

Lucifer666 6m
@EasyBake1977 I have to put the box. Back/

Easybake1977 6m
@Lucifer666 JUST LEAVE IT IT DOESNT MATTER!

Bonerdude12 6m
@Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977 I’m no #Columbo, but r u stealing a #dropofblood because #DUH!

HottieHotHot 6m
#ROTFL @Bonerdude12! You should be on @LawAndOrder!!!

Bonerdude12 6m
In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.

HottieHotHot 5m
@Bonerdude12 #MindBlown Totally favoriting! And I’m thinking YOU’RE hottiehothot! LOL! ;-)

Lucifer666 5m
@EasyBake1977 I’m out! #PIECEOFCAKE! Adrenelin!

Easybake1977 5m
@HottieHotHot Not @Bonerdude12’s line. Hunter S THompson.

Easybake1977 5m
@Lucifer666 AWESOME! YOU THE MAN! Thank you!

Bonerdude12 5m
@Easybake1977 WTF? Don’t be #cockblocking me! I’ll fuck ypou up and screengrabd your tweets! FUCK OFF DUDE!!!

Easybake1977 4m
@Bonerdude Screengrab all you want. Tweets are fleeting. They’re fiction. There is no #DNA in a tweet. #NoEvidence

Lucifer666 3m
@Easybake1977 Who are Boner and Hottie? I thought we were in PRIVATE MODE!!!

Easybake1977 3m
@Lucifer666 I forgot to switch the thing.

Lucifer666 3m
@Easybake1977 So are we fucked or what??????

Easybake1977 3m
@Lucifer666 No.

Easybake1977 2m
@Lucifer666 We should be fine. #NoBig

MetroPolice 1m
Actually @Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977 you might be in a little trouble.

Bonerdude12 6s
Last laugh right here, bitches! RT”@metropolice: Actually @Lucifer666 @EasyBake1977 you might be in a little trouble.”