Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Best of 2013



These are my top 5's, because ain't nobody got time for 10...

My top 5 albums
Jonathan Wilson, Fanfare
Matthew E White, Big Inner
Jake Bugg, Jake Bugg
Kanye West, Yeezus *
Foxygen, We Are The 21st Century Ambassadors Of Peace & Magic

My top 5 TV shows
Breaking Bad
Boardwalk Empire
Top of the lake / Broadchurch / Luther (3 way tie)
Sesame Street
Minnie's Bow-Toons

My top 5 movies I wanted to see
Gravity / Inside Llewyn Davis (tie)
Nebraska / American Hustle (tie)
Enough Said
Captain Phillips / Saving Mr Banks (tie - anything with Forrest Gump)
Wolf of Wall Street / Blue Jasmine

My top 5 books
Hey Little Baby
Angelina at the Palace
Purplicious
Bella's Rules
I am a Bunny

My top 5 read later newsfeeders
Esquire
Salon / Slate / Huffington Post (3 way tie)
Fast Company
Raw Story / New York Times (tie)
9Gag

My top 5 days
Saturday
Sunday
Friday
Thursday
Tuesday

My top 5 parking levels
4 / 3 (tie)
7
5 (note - stairwell always smells like urine)
9
10

My top 5 beverages
Lemonade **
Dr Brown's Cel-Ray
Water
Pomegranate soda
Cranberry juice

My top 5 meats
Bone-in Ribeye
Skirt Steak / Turkey [from Tgiving] (tie)
Jerky (note to self - check Publican - apparently it's smoked unicorn)
Hamburger
Chicken (dark meat only)

My top 5 cheeses
Manchego
Mexican blend (shredded)
Pepper Jack
American Idol / The Voice (tie)
Comté

My top 5 condiments
Victor Mazzeo's Giardiniera ***
Hot sauce (anything that includes sriracha or ass somewhere on the label)
Mustard
BBQ sauce (anything Rufus Teague)
Salt

My top 5 butters
Sunflower
Almond
Peanut
Salted
Unsalted

My top 5 vegetables
Kale
Carrot / Chicken (tie)
Mushroom
Celery
Onion (red)

My top 5 fruits
Grape
Apple - Granny Smith / Pine (tie)
Pomegranate
Mango
Banana


BONUS:

My top yoga pose
Corpse

My top frozen pizza brand
Home Run Inn

My top pope
Pope Francis Awesomesauce


* KW could very well be the new Andy Kaufman brilliantly goofing on all of us, but he's probably just a dbag. Regardless, he put together a pretty great album.

** Don't know what the deal is with lemonade, but before the week ends Pam and I ALWAYS find ourselves saying, "Man, we should have got another carton."

*** But it eats like a meal. It's the bomb, y'all!

(Full disclosure: About the books, these are the ones I read over and over and over the most...)

FYI: Orange is the New Black will undoubtedly be on people's top TV lists. I have no idea why, other than why?

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Candy Crush Saga, or Winter Boots



It all looked like candy; shades of grape, cherry, lemon, and sour apple. They were shiny bites of sweetness sure to get stuck in your teeth, or under foot.

My daughter was all over it.

"I want this one. And this one. I like that one."

She was a kid in a shoe store.

"Sweetie," I said. "Those are rain boots. You have rain boots. You need snow boots."

My wife held up a pair of Uggs.

Ugg, it's insane to buy Uggs for a four year old. But I was prepared. And really, I should have mentioned it earlier. I just didn't know they made Uggs that small.

"We can't," I said. "I've read too many bad things about Uggs."

"They're supposed to be really warm."

"Yes, but they treat their animals bad."

"Really?"

"Like really bad."

"Bad bad?"

"Bad bad."

My wife held up an Uggs boot with sequins. I shook my head and took out my phone.

"I can send you a link."

"No, I trust you. They're so cute, though."

Meanwhile, my daughter was on a double stitched welt high.

"These ones!"

She was a holding an Uggs leopard pink boot with a thick purple sole; something a tween astronaut would wear.

"No, sweetie. That's not a good one."

"But I like it."

"I know. How about this one?"

I held up something mostly black with pink accents. It looked tough, yet girlish.

"I don't like it."

A salesperson came over.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes," said my wife. "We need a winter boot that's warm, easy to take off and on. And pink."

"Or purple," my daughter chimed in.

"Or purple," said my wife.

The salesperson pointed out the different boots that were available. The 'cool' boots didn't come in my daughter's size. She was too little. And what was available they didn't have in her size.

Sigh...

"I like these ones. They have a kitty."

"Those are rain boots, sweetie."

Right next to the rain boots was a rack of rain accessories. My daughter reached for an umbrella just her size.

"I want this," she said. "It's just my size."

Double sigh.

My wife and I did a quick huddle.

"We know her size," I said. "Let's just order online."

Done.

I've been a Zappos customer for more than a decade. I have a comfortable shoe fetish that goes beyond whatever brands are available in a local shoe store. Yes, I know it's important to support small businesses, but the tiny lizard part of my brain demands I get something I haven't seen before, and that it sounds European (or Hawaiian) and include the word ergonomic somewhere in the description.

Further, I'm a VIP customer. I've actually received a hand written note from their customer service dept. I think it had something to do with the fact that at the turn of the century, I was the very first person in my office to purchase shoes online. Everyone said, 'That's crazy. Why would you buy shoes online? No one buys shoes online.' Now on any given day, it's commonplace to see a Zappos box up at the front desk.

When I get my daughter dressed, I can't present one pair of socks for her to wear. She will ALWAYS want a different pair. So I take out TWO, and she picks ONE.

Sunday night my wife and I ordered three pairs of boots. They each looked like a wad of chewing gum with a hook and loop closure or adjustable collar drawstring, but the reviews said they are warm, and easy to take off and on. They will arrive Tuesday.

UPDATE.

My daughter went with the Khombu Kids Juniper.






Peta video with Pink about sheep - http://youtu.be/KSw9XE5skj4

Monday, December 2, 2013

Cold Cycle, or Ice Ice Baby

I rode my bike yesterday. It was cold. Somewhere over the bridge where the wind whistles loudest, I think I got an ice cream headache.

It snowed off and on while I worked. I watched it blow sideways from the 25th floor. I also watched it snow up. I think it has something to do with, well, I don't know what it has do with.

Thermal dynamic updraft something blah blah blah...

Hello?

Science?

By the time I was ready to go home, it was late. Traffic had died down. No mad rush of cars.

I put on my helmet and gloves before going outside. The guy at the desk came up next to me, said it was below 32 earlier, but it warmed up so it was probably ok.

He and I never really talk. We just nod or do the half wave. Sometimes we say 'night.

"Thanks for the heads up," I said.

When I rode home, I was thankful the snow hadn't really stuck. Just some stuff on the curbs and sidewalks. As I got closer, I took the side streets. The surface looked slick.

Maybe it's just wet.

I took a wide turn a block from home. No problem.

But damn, it looks so glassy.

I breathed out a plume of steam.

I got to my street and squeezed the brake to slow down. But that was the thing. I didn't slow down. I just kept going. And then I was lying on my side, my bike on top of me.

Two things learned;

1) A frozen rode has no give

2) I could feel my hip bone.

A guy on the far corner yelled out, "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks."

He watched me get up before he walked away.

"Thanks," I said again.

It's nice when strangers do the exact thing I would do.

I walked my bike the rest of the way home and locked it up. It was nice to be home.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Orange Is The New Beige



UPDATE 6.30.14

Finished watching season 2 last night and here's my revelation: OITNB does not entirely suck. You just need to get past season 1. Once you do, you'll enjoy ep 1 of season 2. Ep 2 will bring you back to season 1 - suckage (dumb, not funny). But then once you make it to ep 3 of season 2, it moves along at a pretty good clip. Not sure if they changed writers or what happened, but once it stops trying to be funny and all hardcore Oz, it's pretty good.

As far as OITNB as a whole, my friend Niki brilliantly put it like this:

If you watch OITNB backwards, it's about a bitter, hardened criminal who goes to prison, finds she has a softer side, and learns to love Jason Biggs.

--------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL POST 11.12.13:

My wife and I started watching OITNB because we finished House of Cards - which was AWESOME. I had some hesitations about OITNB because I'd loved Weeds - until Season 5. Up until then, I loved it. It was fun, funny, and charming. I cared about the different characters. Brill!

But then Season 5 - 8 sucked AND blew. It's like Jenji Kohan just texted in her scripts. They were thin and self absorbed. They were pointless and stupid. A waste of everyone's time.

So I was trepidatious...

SPOILERS AHEAD.

Head back now. Click away.

Ok?

Ok.

In the first episode of OINTB - there's a lot of explaining. I understand. It's a pilot. We need to know what's going on. But is the premise that Piper carried drug money once ten years ago?

I mean, seriously, that's it?

It's like one of those things that pops up in your Facebook feed from Huffington Post that gets a lot of people's panties all bunched:

That's bullshit!
Totally sucks to be her!
It's Obama's/the Republican's fault!
Won't someone think of the children?!

Ok, fine. She's a fish out of water, let's go with it.

But we're also going to keep cutting back and forth in time like a student film? Really? This is the best you can do?

Ok, fine. All my friends seem to like this show. I'll watch the next episode.

Well, I won't hash out the plot - I'm only four episodes in. I don't hate the show. I'm entertained - mostly. But I know where everything is going already. That is, I doubt we're ever going to see any blood (unless it's in a tampon, and/or in spite the weighted importance of the missing screwdriver/dildo) - just hair pulling and scratching. The guard (John) and inmate (Dayarana) will fall in love and boy howdy that'll be complicated. Red is tough, but she cares. Miss Claudette was just getting revenge because men are terrible. Pornstache will get his comeuppance, or maybe he'll grow a heart. Blah blah blah.

I don't know. Maybe there will be some clever 'twists' coming up.

I hope there will be some clever twists coming up.

I haven't figured out OINTB's tone yet. It seems like it's sorta trying to be Lost with its character flashbacks. Or maybe it's trying to be like Oz with its HBO prison tough talk - which is mostly laughable/cringeworthy - "Shelly had been growing out her nails, mauled that girl like tiger" - makes me hunch my shoulders as I write it.

Or maybe it's trying to cash in on early Weeds with its smartypants whimsy and humor.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't like the show. Its characters are caricatures. Seriously, ALL the men are this DUMB and MEAN? Are we really going to hit ALL the lesbian tropes - fat butch, girl school, waif, stud, lipstick, AND hasbian? Are we in a prison or are we in a women's dorm with a couple of mean-spirited RA's? The guy that runs the tool dept - is that really a part? I mean, he's not just a gaffer who steps in to say a few lines sometimes?

Wait, let's go back to the lesbian thing. Is OITNB trying to be edgy? Is that even a thing anymore? The late 90s called and wants its edge back. Maybe there be a Christian values character introduced in an upcoming episode who witnesses some 'lesbianism', and then the script will get all didactic/preachy?

Please tell me no.

Nooooooooooooooo!

Sigh... I like some of the characters, especially Sophia and Miss Claudette. And like I said, I'm only four episodes in - I'm intrigued to see where it goes. But Jenji Kohan is no Aaron Sorkin - not by a long shot, not by a concisely written piece of wordy dialogue.

{{{ UPDATE }}}

More spoilers...

Ok?

Ok.

We finally finished the season. It was NOT appointment tv. It was casual show up tv.

We wanted to see how things panned out; which was more or less what we expected. Except for the end when Piper breaks bad and seemingly murders Pennsatucky - which meant the screwdriver/dildo had a purpose.

But seriously?

For real?

That's where you're going to go? Piper's a murderer?

Well, that's interesting. I'll give you that. It's interesting. Regardless, we're not planning to stream season 2.

Well, maybe to see where it goes, but... a guilty unpleasure.

Orange is the New Beige is being too kind. Orange is the New Blah. I'm sure this will be on some Best of 2013 lists. But I won't know why.


Monday, November 11, 2013

Haiyan, or Yolanda



my wife, our three year old,
and two month old
went to whole foods this weekend
braving traffic
but the construction on north ave
by the highway
was done,
which meant it wasn't so bad

the parking lot was full
of self entitled drivers
circling like sharks
so we parked on the roof
i like it there better anyway

inside it was packed
lots of shoppers plodding along
slowly pushing carts
clogging up the aisles
taking their time
tasting free guacamole
tiny cubes of aged cheese
and chunks of chocolate chunk cookies

the checkout lines spilled
into the sample stations
we were four carts back easy

back on the roof we loaded the car
and buckled the kids
the sky was mostly clear
some scattered clouds
a bright yellow white sun
hung slightly to the west
i probably didn't need the coat i was wearing
even though it was unzipped

at a stoplight
the two month old started to cry
which made the three year old cry
which made my wife upset
which made me tense

i gripped the wheel tightly
and hoped the light would change soon
and all the busses and cars
would disappear
so we could get home
and get everyone
fed
and napped
and i could sit alone
downstairs
to watch football
drink in one hand
remote in the other...

an hour or so later
my wife and two month old are sleeping
my three year old is sleeping
i'm sitting in my chair
watching football
drink in one hand
remote in the other
i check my phone for other scores
and see something about haiyan
and how more than ten thousand people
are dead
i scroll down, and
i see pictures of ships
lying on their sides
their rusting hulls exposed
like rotting whale carcasses
homes turned inside out
and flattened
into kindling
cars tossed like toys
i see pictures of women
and men
holding children
above rushing rising smoke colored waters
i press to watch a video
of the devastation
unfortunately
or ironically
it's sponsored by target
there are people shopping
seasonal abundance
with their new red card
i press another link
and read
how entire islands have disappeared
i read it again
there
are
islands
that
have
disappeared
and i am forced to imagine
mothers and fathers
holding on to their children
wet and cold and scared
crying and screaming
gasping for air
with waters roiling,
and wind whipping things wildly
through the air
i can see
corpses floating in the ocean
like driftwood

outside it's getting dark
i see a jogger go by
the bears are losing to the lions
and tonight there's a new episode of walking dead
i should take out the recycling
before everyone wakes up


From the NY Times:

Typhoon Haiyan, which cut a destructive path across the Philippines on Friday, is believed by some climatologists to be the strongest storm to ever make landfall.

Photos of the typhoon’s wrath: http://nyti.ms/1cjASbO

Maps of the storm surge and destruction: http://nyti.ms/1gFZKAa

Video of the typhoon's devastation: http://nyti.ms/1hCMvl1

How you can help victims in the Philippines: http://nyti.ms/1dlwf21


Other links:

http://www.redcross.org.ph/
http://google.org/crisismap/a/gmail.com/TyphoonYolanda
http://world.time.com/2013/11/10/how-to-help-typhoon-victims/
http://mashable.com/2013/11/10/help-victims-typhoon-haiyan/
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/11/09/21386694-how-to-help-organizations-offering-relief-to-typhoon-haiyan-survivors
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/foreigners/2013/11/how_to_help_typhoon_haiyan_survivors_in_the_philippines_the_only_donation.html
http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/11/world/asia/typhoon-haiyan/
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/11/10/21389125-it-was-like-a-tsunami-philippines-stunned-by-typhoon-haiyans-devastation
http://www.weather.com/news/weather-hurricanes/super-typhoon-haiyan-latest-news-20131108
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-24894529

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Parcel String Letters

I do the NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge from time to time. What follows is my assignment/story.

Group 10
Genre: Drama
Location: Thrift Store
Object: Stamp
1000 words (988)

Title: The Parcel String Letters

Synopsis: No one messes with Sissy Tye.



In Dunwoody on the corner of Carver and Maple is a thrift store. Tye Thrift. It’s very average, nothing special. Clothes, shoes, dishes, kitchen appliances, chairs. Jewelry is kept under glass near the register. DVDs and video games are on the shelves behind the counter. A Star Wars toy has shown up in original packaging from time to time, but what keeps Tye Thrift in business is the senior center on Tilly Mill Road.

The Mill Pointe Arms, specifically the cleaning crew - even more specifically Samuel Rumson – has an arrangement with Tye Thrift concerning the leftover effects of any resident’s sudden departure. Tye Thrift will take whatever he’s got.

Sissy Tye, heiress and proprietor of Tye Thrift sat on her stool behind the counter and took the large cardboard box from Samuel. “Thank you, sweetheart. Anything else?”

“Just this.” He handed Sissy a shoebox. It was hinged in back, and there were thin worn leather straps that hung over the front. It said Field and Flint on the side. “Bunch a old letters. Some ain’t ever been sent.”

“Hmmm,” said Sissy looking them over matter of factly. “Might as well take those, too.”

Samuel nodded and opened the door to leave. “217C won’t last the week.”

“You know where to find us,” said Sissy looking through the shoebox.

The bell rang as Samuel shut the door.

There were at least a hundred letters. They were old, and looked like parchment. Some had water damage, some looked like they might turn to powder if a breeze came along, and true enough, some were never sent. Parcel string was tied around these. Lost in thought Sissy hadn’t noticed the bell when the door opened.

“Excuse me,” said the man.

Sissy looked up startled. She didn’t know how long the man had been standing at the counter. He was in his early fifties, lean, kept his head shaved. His leather jacket looked baby lamb soft. His fingers were long and his nails were perfect. Sissy slowly closed the shoebox as she held his eyes in hers. Well, her good eye, anyway.

Sissy Tye wore an eye patch like a pirate. When she was six years old, her older brother Tyrone - who was ten at the time, hit her on the side of her head with a baseball bat and knocked her eye right out of its socket. It landed on the living room rug like a hardboiled egg. While it’s true Sissy was brought to the hospital that afternoon, it was Tyrone who spent an extra two days in the ER.

“Can I help you?” Sissy asked the man.

“Well, I’m from New York, do a little some business in Atlanta. I take the scenic route because, well, I like to stop by stores such as yours. Sometimes you can find such treasures. See, I’m a collector, you know, like ashtrays and-“

“You smoke?”

“Well, no, actually. I-“

“Ashtrays are by the bowls.” Sissy pointed over the man’s shoulder.

The man looked behind him. Then back down at the shoebox.

“Field and Flint,” he said. “Used to be Packard.”

Sissy didn’t say anything.

“That’s a very old shoebox,” continued the man.

Sissy placed it on the counter behind her. In her hand were the parcel string letters.

“Some old letters in that box?”

Sissy shrugged her shoulders. “Hasn’t been checked in yet. New arrival.”

“Tell you what,” said the man taking out his wallet. “I’ll take that old shoebox off your hands right now. You take credit cards?”

“Don’t even know the price. And like I said, it hasn’t been checked in yet.”

The man looked around the store.

“C’mon,” he said, “it’s just an old shoebox. You don’t need to-”

A large man lumbered over to the counter. He wore overalls, bright white hi-tops, and had a long deep scar across his left temple. His nametag said Tyrone. He stood next to the man.

“Everything ok, Sissy?”

“I got this, Ty Ty. Actually, can you tell me what do we do with new merch?”

“Check it in.”

“Thank you. This man is interested in ashtrays. Can you show him over to the bowls?”

“That’s okay,” said the man. “May I see those?” He pointed to the parcel string letters in Sissy’s hand.

Sissy waved off Tyrone.

“Here,” said Sissy handing the man the letters. “Keep ‘em tied.”

The man looked at the envelopes closely. On each letter he rubbed his thumb over the rose-colored two-cent stamp and its profile of George Washington.

“Well,” he said, “I bet these are some interesting old letters. My wife actually loves old letters like these. I know you have to check them in, but what if I gave you five hundred dollars cash right here right now for these and whatever’s in that old box.”

The man smiled wide.

“You want to take a second and think on that?”

Sissy put her hand out for the letters.

“I don’t need that kind of time.”

“A thousand,” said the man.

“I think you’ve taken my outstretched arm as a gesture of good will,” said Sissy her one eye trained and unblinking. “I assure you it’s not.”

The man handed the letters to Sissy.

“Two thousand,” he said.

Sissy flipped through the letters and watched the stamps flash by.

“It’s like a little movie,” she said leaning back in her chair. “Now I’m no philatelist, but I bet just one of these is about fifteen hundred. There are fourteen. That’s about twenty one thousand dollars. That math seem right?”

“How about my car?” asked the man. “Car for the letters?”

“What kind of car you got?”

“Lexus.”

“Ty Ty, what car you see outside?”

Tyrone looked out the door.

“Green Lexus.”

“LS or GS?”

“ES, I think.”

“ES?” Sissy asked the man.

The man nodded.

“I gotta take a second and think on that,” said Sissy. “I bet it’s got a lot of miles.”

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Water Wings

This was written for when the VHS pool was dedicated to Mark Wagner in his honor. I think I wrote it May 2009. Anyway, it's for Wags, my high school swim coach, and anyone who swam for him.



we swam for you
that's what brings us here today
we swam for you

we got in the water
on any winter’s day
and we swam for you

we ran the halls
worked the weights
we did wheelbarrows, crabwalks
along the deck
all the way to the end
we did crunches,
and pushups with the tops of our feet down, hands faced in

and we swam for you

we did hundreds on the two
fifties on the one
and when it was near eight
we lined up by the office
for pancakes and egg mcmuffins
orange juice and milk
we’d breakfast in the bleachers
and throw barbs, zings

you threw them right back

our hair got shiny
blonde grew green
our skin got dry, flaky
we smelled of chlorine,
wreaked of chlorine
and when the time came
we shaved our arms and legs
some our chests
we shaved our heads
(some of us still do)

and we swam for you

we were a bus full of teenagers
man children
we were a bus full of laughing
a bus full of mirth

and after we won
(because we'd always win)
you’d lead a cheer for the other team
and then back on the bus
you’d tell us our splits
and how to improve
and prove ourselves

it’s called practice
so we’d practice

and on any winter’s day
we grabbed a board
and pull buoy
and set them at the water’s edge

we flapped our arms
shook our legs
and tried to hook our goggles on the flags

you can do well
you said
or you can do wah
you don’t want to be a do wah
do you?

we’d jump in
the water was always cold
we'd goggle up
and sink just below the surface,
wait for the whistle,
and push off the wall
we were a chorus of kicking,
water bending at the bow

and when we turned our heads
or lifted our chins
hoo!
hoo!
hoo!
at every breath
and turn

we swam for you

our chests red
our eyes red
our arms aching
we got better stronger faster

you gave us wings
water wings
in the pool
and on land

you showed us the merits of hard work
team work
integrity, discipline
and honesty

if it were easy
you said
everybody would be good

when you decided to leave the pool
you did it
you just did it

but the 7.2 pH water was in your blood
and you returned to the pool
courageously

and we continued
to swim for you

you were always supportive
you were always understanding
you always listened

your dry wicked sense of humor
always made it better

and when we did something good
something that made you proud
you said
who knew

but that was the thing

you knew

as a teacher
as a coach
as a friend
you touched
and influenced
countless
lives

you gave us wings
water wings
and these wings
will aways swim for you

thank you mr wagner
thank you mark
thank you wags

hoo!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

How I Play The Instagram

Not sure who said the following, but it's true.

The best camera you'll ever own is the one you have with you.

The iPhone, for good and/or bad, is always with me. It's a communication device, it's a computer, it's a camera, it's a dessert, it's a floor wax, it's a fucking miracle that fits in my pocket.

A lot of people spend their time on Angry Birds and Temple Run. Mine goes into taking pictures. I take a lot of pictures.

I take them with the iPhone issued camera app. I take a bunch because, well, it's digital. I can throw away the ones that are blurry or framed poorly - the ones that suck.

Most of the photos I take will go on Instagram, a square format. So I shoot to crop; I give myself room.

There are TONS of apps for iphoneography. SHIT TONS. Personally I have several dozen, although I only use about 6 regularly.

(I know what you're thinking... I use an app called Appshopper; which is now Appshopper Social. It keeps a list of apps I'm interested in buying. When an app is on sale, or FREE - it alerts me.)

The one I seem to use most is Decim8. It turns your pictures automagically into puck rock album art. This is a picture I took of a bio-hazard sticker on the garbage can when I had a Dr appt.



Decim8's blurb in the App store:

FILM IS DEAD ... And yet many camera apps still insist upon attempting simulations of that long-past era. We say NO to artificial nostalgia, pushing forward in the digital realm with different forms of creative destruction.

With that in mind we present Decim8, a digital tool for photographic destruction. Armed with a set of bit-glitching filters, evolve your pictures into strange and sublime artifacts bordering on chaos. There are no effects to simulate your grandpa's snapshots. No virtual replicas of plastic instant-cams from your imaginary summer of '73. Just mad combinations of digital data-mashing. That's how we roll.

I'm an anti-social social network kind of guy. I don't post a lot of personal pictures, although I'm trying to*. I mostly post casual/abstract arty stuff, or something with a story connected to it. And I always provide a title. Sure, a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think you really need something to anchor it in a digital space. Otherwise it's just a sandwich or a tree; which is fine, but still...

That said, I try to keep my gallery mixed. I don't want to by arty guy, daddy guy, obsessed with burgers guy, or boring random guy.

Further, an image has to originate from my phone; no dslr pictures, nothing re-grammed, nothing memetastic. I manipulate it in other apps until I get something I dig, and then post. I'll tag people or locations if appropriate. I hashtag the app I'm using, or the subject, joke, etc. I don't do all that instagold instabest instacrap hashtagging - too much work/nonsense. I like pictures I like, although sometimes I'm just being supportive. I keep my comments minimal, usually just emoji if I can. And I try to only post a few pictures at a time - so as not to clog up the stream, as it were.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of timelapse now that Instagram can do video. And I create montage style stuff of my kids. (Yes, they have private accounts.) But I'm still experimenting. To do it right, video demands more time.

But I understand Instagram is an evolving platform, so who knows...

Anyhoo, that's how I play the Instagram.

--

* None of my friends - people who I actually know in real life - ever like my arty pictures. None. But if I post a picture of something personal, like an old bandana or a shoe, I usually get a few likes. Which is fine. Likes are not a thing for me. Don't get me wrong, they're nice. But in the same way that of your 500 hundred facebook friends, only 5 will take you to the airport, the Instagram timeline is faster and blurrier and not everyone is on there seeing all your stunning snaps.

Nonetheless I recognize Instagram is a social network. And really, there are other better places to create your galleries such as 500px, Tadaa, etc...

So I'm trying to share more personal stuff because I like when friends post their personal stuff. It's nice. And I can do the same.

We're all just playing, right?

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Chafed Red Wrists of Fisher Poleman

I do the NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge from time to time. What follows is my assignment/story.

[Full disclosure: I had to look up historical fiction.]

Group 10
Genre: Historical Fiction
Location: A psychiatric hospital
Object: A ship in a bottle
1000 words

Synopsis: Fisher Poleman has spent two years in the Danvers State Hospital. Like the screaming in his head, his wants his treatments to stop.


The screaming got Fisher Poleman out of bed. He went to the window, slid his chafed red wrists through the bars and lifted. The New England air was crisp and he could smell the wet leaves returning to the soil. It reminded him of walking to school as a boy and the gray cat he once found. He remembered the way its whiskers tickled the back of his hands as he stopped its breathing.

To the east, the sun would soon pop up like a golden coin. To the west, he could make out the tower. The lights were on and he saw a horned figure standing in the window. Fisher rubbed his eyes and looked to the tower again. There was no figure and no light. Fisher sat down and stared at the palms of his hands. They were the bellies of spiders.

After today, there would be no more treatments.

The speaker crackled at his door.

“Mister Poleman, the orderlies will be up to receive you shortly.”

Fisher put on his uniform. It was still stiff and he was careful around his chest where the hair had been burned away from therapy. The uniform was white and resembled the gray staff uniform, except in the back where it said DANVERS, it said PATIENT.

Throughout his two-year stay at the facility, Fisher liked seeing the uniform on his fellow residents. He imagined them all as solitary figures quietly waiting for help. But he’d only been in a month when the Archduke Ferdinand and his wife were assassinated. Droves of young men his age started to show up soon after that. They joked and laughed and talked about how Danvers was like a wellness center and by the time they got out the war would be over. But to the staff and the doctors they spoke of visions and paranoia. For Fisher the visions were real, the paranoia at hand.

The knock at the door startled Fisher. He listened to the click clack of locks and the bolt sliding through the slats. The door opened. Two orderlies stood next to a wheel chair.

“Good morning, Mister Poleman. How are you feeling?”

“Spry,” said Fisher. “In fact-“

“You can tell Doctor Axelrod when you see him,” interrupted the other orderly motioning toward the chair.

Fisher turned and sat down. The wood groaned beneath him, the wicker stretched against his back.

“Your wrists, please” said the first orderly.

“Of course.”

Fisher placed his arms along the rests. Each orderly took a side and pulled the straps tight. Fisher winced slightly, but not that anyone could see.

As Fisher glided along the South corridor, he looked out the tall windows onto the great lawn. Patients sat on benches in the sunlight, and waited quietly. Staff hovered nearby. A flight a sparrows swooped and dove among the trees.

The elevator took them to the fifth floor of the tower. The first orderly knocked on the door, which opened immediately. Doctor Axelrod was a tall man with a barrel chest and a thick black beard.

“You’re four minutes late,” said Axelrod staring down the orderlies before tucking away his pocket watch. “Bring him in.”

Axelrod walked behind his desk and motioned the orderlies where to place Fisher. Behind Axelrod were shelves containing books, plaques and framed pictures of family. The top shelf held a large bottle with a ship inside. Axelrod looked himself squarely in the mirror across from him on the far wall and cracked his knuckles. He stole a quick look at his profile before taking his chair.

“And you can dispense with those,” he said waving his hands toward Fisher’s wrists.

Fisher rubbed his wrists and politely nodded at Axelrod who retuned the gesture.

“That will be all,” said Axelrod dismissing the orderlies.

“I know it’s been hard for you, Fisher,” continued Axelrod as the door closed, his hand firmly on the file in front of him. “Your family has paid a lot of money to keep you here. You’re not like those pacifist cowards.”

Fisher shook his head.

Axelrod pulled on his beard.

“Any visions lately?” he asked.

“No.”

“How about screaming? Do you still hear screaming?”

“No.”

Axelrod nodded, pulled his beard.

“I think another month of treatments,” he said. “And we’ll meet again, alright?”

Fisher was staring up at the top shelf.

“May I?”

Axelrod looked behind him.

“The ship? Sure. Just be careful.”

Axelrod stood so Fisher could reach up and take it down. It was heavier than he thought.

“Must be twenty-five pounds,” said Fisher.

“Got it in Crowhurst. Ever been there?”

“No.”

“It’s lovely.”

Fisher stared into the bottle.

“Well,” he said. “It’s exquisite.”

“Sometimes I can hear waves,” Axelrod chuckled.

Fisher started to put the bottle back on the shelf.

“I can never figure how they get the masts up inside,” he said. “It seems impossible.”

“They do that last. After it’s all built, they reach in and pull the masts up.”

“Oh, right,” said Fisher as he gently rocked the bottle back in its place. “I forgot.”

Fisher turned to see Axelrod staring at him in the mirror.

“You held that bottle right over my head. You could have crushed my skull like a grape, but not even a hesitation.”

Fisher shook his head.

The two men smiled at each other in the mirror. Axelrod put his hand on the back of Fisher’s neck. Fisher sheepishly put his hand on the back of Axelrod’s neck. They beamed at their reflections.

“Well,” said Axelrod, “I think we’ve had a breakth-“

Fisher’s other hand flew up into Axelrod’s throat. The sound of cartilage snapping and the sputtering of breath filled the room. Axelrod tried to pull Fisher’s hands away, but the spiders held fast. Fisher noticed the curious way Axelrod’s beard felt on the back of his hands. As Axelrod’s body went limp, Fisher looked into the mirror at the ship in the bottle with its full white masts. There was no more screaming, only waves.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How Dexter Should Have Ended

At the end of season 4.


But let's not be snarky.

I mean you can't spell finale without fail.

(Sorry. My bad.)

Damnit, you spend 8 seasons watching a show, you want a little something of a reward in the finale!

But it's like the writers took it to a kill room, hacked away at it with a spoon, and hoped it would just bleed out. Because there's no way Dexter abandons his child and the love of his life to sail into a hurricane and become a fucking lumberjack.

That would be amazingly awful, right?

See for yourself.

Let's let bygones be bygones. We're at the end of Season 8. The link above IS what happened, but here's what SHOULD have happened.

[Although let's understand that while Dexter was an anti-hero, he was more hero than anti. Ok? And we're not going have him narrating from the dead, as some showrunners have suggested. No need to get that deep and metaphysical, especially within the context of this season's train wreck. Masuka's long lost daughter says what?]

So let's pick it up as Saxon enters Deb's floor...

FADE IN:

Saxon looks up what room Deb's in.

Cut to Dexter walking into the hospital. Understanding the distraction at play, he rushes to Deb's floor.

Cut to Saxon opening the door to Deb's room. Deb sees him.

DEB: What the fuck, motherfucker?

SAXON: Your brother should have taken the deal. You're going to pay for his mistake.

DEB: Fuck you, asshole!

Saxon approaches her bed, he wields a knife, but Dexter opens the door.

DEXTER: Saxon!

Saxon turns around, quickly puts the knife to Deb's throat.

SAXON: I thought you were on an airplane with your girlfriend. And your son.

DEXTER: No, I decided I had one more thing to finish.

SAXON: I see. You know how this finishes, right?

Saxon presses the knife into Deb's throat, we see a drop of blood.

DEXTER: I do. With you dying. Right here, right now.

SAXON: How do you figure?

DEXTER: I'm a monster. And I remember where all the monsters are.

Dexter raises his hands. They are empty. Saxon is confused and stares at Dexter's empty hands. We see Deb's eyes following the hands as well, only she's looking at the shadow of the hands near the wall where there is an instrument tray. The shadow falls over the scissors. She grabs the scissors and stabs Saxon in the groin. He doubles over, but he's pulled the blade. Deb is bleeding. Dexter is wrestling Saxon for the knife. Fighting, wrestling, eventually the knife slides into Saxon. Saxon dies.

Dexter turns his attention to Deb. He quickly bandages her neck.

DEXTER: Ok, I think this will work. I'm not especially good at keeping blood in people.

DEB: Maybe you should learn.

Beat.

DEXTER: You need to hold this. Don't let go. If you let go, you'll die.

DEB: No shit. But I can let go of you, motherfucker. Go!

Dexter hits the alarm in Deb's room. He looks at Deb. Deb nods, waves. Dressed as an orderly, Dexter wheels Saxon's body through the chaos. Doctors pass him on their way to Deb's room. Dexter makes it outside, sheds the uniform, loads Saxon's body onto his boat, takes off to the storm.

We see Dexter on his boat finishing up the bagging of Saxon.

(Dexter calls Hannah, talks to Harrison. Same dialogue.)

Dexter tosses the phone into the ocean. He lifts Saxon and places him on the edge of his boat.

DEXTER (VO): All my life I never felt human, never thought I would know how to feel human. But now that I do, I just want it to stop. I am a monster.

Dexter throws Saxon off the boat.

DEXTER (VO): I destroy everyone I love. I can't let that happen to Hannah, to Harrison. I have to protect them from me, and who I am.

He sails off into the storm.

(And we keep going as they find Dexter's boat, the news, people reacting to Dexter's death, etc, but we cut out the part about Hannah seeing the news on her iPad (seriously?), and pick it up right after - as she talks to Harrison.

HANNAH: C'mon, Harrison. Let's go get some ice cream.

She walks off into the crowd with Harrison.

Cut to Hannah and Harrison (with melted ice cream on his clothes) as they walk into their house. It's modest, but airy and it's near water. We also see and hear neighborhood children playing.

HARRISON: When's Daddy going to get here?

HANNAH: I'm not sure, honey. Soon.

We hear a car pull up. We see the familiar outfit of Dexter getting out of the car, carrying a black bag, walking.

HARRISON: Daddy!

In walks Dexter. He's alive. He kisses Hannah, scoops up Harrison.

DEXTER: Hi buddy!

Dexter is wearing his kill clothes. There's blood on his sleeve. Hannah notices.

HANNAH: What happened?

Dexter looks at the blood, then up at Hannah.

DEXTER: Nothing, just a fender bender. Some guy hit a pedestrian. But he's going to make it. We got there right in time.

Dexter puts his bag down. His ID badge flops out. He's a paramedic in Mar Del Plata.

DEXTER VO: No matter who I am, blood will always be an attraction for me.

DEXTER: Come on, let's go outside. I saw Marco is back. He brought back some...

The voices trail off as they go outside. The camera stays inside, but watches Dexter's family.

DEXTER VO: Maybe it was Deb. Maybe it was Vogel. Maybe it was Saxon. But my dark passenger is gone. I feel free. I feel human.

FADE OUT.


Ok, I'm not saying it's perfect - it's a little puppies and rainbows - but I think it echoes a familiar sentiment.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

African Black Soap

I'm an impulse buyer. I remember one time I was at a Borders waiting in line to buy a book - I know, crazy - and I saw something bright and shiny near the registers. It was a thimble. I grabbed it. It was attached to one of those tiny books, like three inches by three inches. It was a book on quilting. I bought it, gave it to a friend who quilts.

I remember another time at a record shop in LA there was a pyramid of mustards at check out. The guy's brother did something with Stadium Mustard out of Cleveland. "Yeah, I'll take these cds... and some mustard," I said. Turns out it's awesome mustard.

I use Dr Bronners's peppermint soap. It's something I discovered in college. The label is craziness, all about cleanliness and godliness in tiny letters written horizontal and vertical over every square inch of the bottle. I've tried the other 'flavors', but peppermint is my favorite. It makes me feel clean. Sometimes it stings - that's how I know it's working. My wife hates it. She doesn't like the way it smells and she thinks it's strong enough to remove paint from cars, tar from roads.

It probably is.

We just had a baby. During her pregnancy, my wife developed a superpower. She can smell things from three days away. For example, she'll point to the egg salad I'm eating and say, "You shouldn't eat that. It's spoiled."

"But I just made it 15 minutes ago."

"Throw it away. It's bad."

A few months ago I ventured into new soap territory. I figured it would make my wife happy. I got some Kiss My Face Mint and Citrus Bath Gel. Meh. It doesn't lather up. I can't tell if I'm using anything. I don't stink so I guess it's working. My wife seems pleased.

But I know what you're thinking. Why are you telling me any of this? Who the fuck cares about your condiment triumphs and shower needs?

Because a few weeks ago I got some Alaffia African Black Soap. It lathers up some. It's no Dr Bronner's, but it'll do. I got it specifically because it reminds me of my friend Ab. It was a focussed impulse buy.


I don't know if Ab's ever tried this soap or even heard of it. But after college he joined the Peace Corps and went to Africa. He became a teacher and was stateside for awhile, but he got married and his wife is a Foreign Service Officer. He and his family have lived all over the world and currently reside in Bangladesh, which is great. Bully for him.

But I miss him. Not all the time. I have a life. And I get busy. One of my best friends lives just a few blocks away. With work and family and everything else, I don't see him either. But we get together once a month or so. The friends who live around the country, we see each other once or twice a year. Is it enough? No. But that's how it is.

Ab is beyond a time zone, he's in another hemisphere of a different day. I can't call him or text him. And I don't email him because what am I going to email him?

This happened, that happened, I felt like this, and then I felt like that, and then he said she said that they said, can you believe it, oh I miss you so much.

We're dudes. We see each other when we see each other and one says, "Hey, how's it going?" And the other says, "Good. How're you doing?" And then the first one says, "Good." And we're all caught up. That's all we need.

Mostly.

I use the social media. I post short bursts of flotsam/jetsam of my life when I have the time; usually when I'm on the can taking care of business. Why? Because that's all I got. At the end of the day, I'm done. I don't even like to talk on the phone. I hang with my wife, take care of our kids, talk about our day, watch some tv, and try to get some sleep.

I like seeing my friends and family on the socmeds. I like wandering through their digital detritus. For a moment, I have a connection; a tiny glimpse and sense of time and place. It's nice. I like seeing their kids, their homes, their vacations. And I like reading something they thought was interesting, or listening to a song they like, or watching a video they thought was funny.

I mean, not all the time. Ain't nobody got time for that*.

Personally, I try to share funny, interesting, and semi-personal things on the fb. And I try to like and comment and be supportive. (And say happy bday to people because that's the very least I can do, right?) On twitter I post snark, politics, bizarrities, and self indulgent half-brilliance. I instagram 'iphoneography' as R. Von Sugarfoot. (I also keep private twitter and instagram accounts of my kids for close friends and family.) I pinterest - well, I don't really pinterest. And I tumblr my dad's FaceTime fiascos, although he's pretty much got it now.

And I blog shit like this because that's what I do.

Yes, facebook can be a weird place if you don't visit enough. I mean it's a game you can't win, you just play. And yes, I know it can be a bit of an estrogen drip if you don't beef up your feed. But I created a private group. It's just me and Ab and a few other guys. No fuss, no muss.

But it doesn't matter. You can lead a horse to water, right? C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I think of Ab whenever I reach for the African Black Soap. I imagine him biking somewhere and seeing roadkill I might only see in a zoo. Maybe he's breathing in the black smoke of some third world vehicle that doesn't require emissions testing as he waits with his kids to cross a street. It could be that he's at a cafe trying to figure out which sandwich contains chicken.

Or he's in the backyard drinking a beer watching the Bears on pirate satellite with his expat friends from work, and he's wondering if I'm watching the Bears and did I make some wings and if I did they're probably hot as fuck.

SO, sure, this is mostly for Ab. But it's for all my friends I don't see enough. I miss you and love you and stuff... You know, whatever.


*

Monday, September 16, 2013

Breaking Bad - Ozymandias

Full disclosure: There are spoilers ahead!

So you should click away now if you're not caught up with Breaking Bad.

What? You're not watching it?

Seriously?

No, seriously?

It's probably the best tv show.

Ever.

Yes, I understand that's hard to quantify, but it's the only tv show that centers around a character arc. From that standpoint alone it's worth watching. But the writing and performances - everything - it's razor sharp. The storytelling, the pacing - the thing is flat out brilliant. Brilliantly brilliant. I can assure you that by the series end it will be regarded as one of the best shows ever if not the BEST SHOW ever.

Yes, Sopranos was great, so was Six Feet Under. The Wire. Homeland. Lost. Battlestar Galactica. Walking Dead. I know, I know. There have been a lot of great tv shows. But this thing.

I'm telling you, this thing.

You can Netflix it from the beginning. It'll take a weekend.

How? Because you'll devour it and forgo sleeping and eating.

And then, yes, you might have to On Demand or iTunes the current season, but if you want to catch the wave before it crashes the shore...

It's ok, I'll wait...


Ok, you good?


Are you sure?


Ok, um, let's see. How can I describe last night's episode? Ah, here it is. FUCKINGAWESOMETASTIC!

Every piston in the BB engine was firing max rocketboosters go! It was gut wrenching, heart ripping, and nerve shattering - blah blah blah. You can google the reviews.

Here's how I watched it:

--

Wait, why are we at the very beginning? Where's the hail of bullets from last week? Ah, now I get it. We're opening from where it all started; Walt's innocence, naïveté, the rehearsing of his lies...

Fade out, fade in.

Brilliant.

80 million dollars for Hank's life...

"You're the smartest guy I ever met, and you're too stupid to see he made up his mind 10 minutes ago."

Right, because Walt's whole thing is family.

"My name is ASAC Schrader, and you can go fuck yourself."

Because Hank has always been the hard granite to Walt's wet toast.

Bang.

Oh, shit just got real, yo...

"Found him."

Walt does the slow tiny nod; all crime lord and bitter.

But you loved Jesse, he was like a son.

Of course, I guess Jesse did make this all happen. Wait, no, Hank made this all happen. WAIT, no, Walt made this all happen...

Todd aka Meth Damon; so polite, so gentle, so stone cold and curiously calculating.

"Sorry about your loss."

HA!

“I watched Jane die. I was there. And I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. But I didn’t.”

That's the last of the secrets, right? Everyone knows everything. That's that.

Synapse pop, mind blown: Walt dug Hank's grave...so fucking brilliant!

Marie. Oh, Marie. Leave Skyler alone. But damnit, if Walt is really in custody, then she's right.

Damn, every character is played and written to their fullest.

Except for maybe Walt Jr. At least he's not eating breakfast.

The scene with the phone on the counter next to the set of kitchen knives; brilliant. Skyler's totally gonna call 911. She has to. It's over. Nope. She's going for the knives. I guess she needs more immediate assistance...

Rolling on the floor... Someone is going to die here! No one needs to die here! No, no, no!

Phew, no one dies.

"What the hell is wrong with you? We're a family. We're a family."

It's all gone. Poor Walt.

Walt takes Holly because that's all he can control. Skyler chases after Walt in the street. The new dad in me... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But then the call Walt makes near the fire station choking on his inner Heisenberg spewing half-truths and absolving Skyler - the brilliant performance of a brilliant performance. And Skyler knowing, understanding his gift.

This is such a fucking good show! Damn!

DAMN!

It's so fucking good!

Jesse is a meth slave, and Walt is heading to New Hampshire.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

How is this going to end?

Fuck.

Why does Low Winter Sun do this, prolonging the previews to next week? Sigh... Well played, Low Winter Sun, but fuck you!

Ok, ok, will the next episode take place a year later? Or will it be the final episode? Gotta be the next one, right? Yes, has to be. Will Walt redeem himself? Will he exact revenge and save his family from the Nazis? Will he free Jesse? Does he go out all Scarface in a blaze of glory? Does he take the ricin cigarette himself? Does he offer it to Jack? Does Jesse kill Walt? What happens to Skyler, Walt Jr, and Holly? What about Marie? Todd?

So. Fucking. Good.


--

Anyway, that's how I watched it. And except for the season 4 finale of Dexter (for which I pretty much needed a support group), this was one of the best episodes of TV I've ever seen.

Masterful. Fucking masterful.



I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Pain in the Back

Currently I have a thing with my back. A pinched nerve, a slipped disk, a pulled muscle - I don't know. It hurts like a motherfucker. When I lie down, when I get up - it's like a knife stabbing me in the kidneys, and my hips swivel on a bed of jagged glass.

I'm on painkillers now, and mostly they're working.

I remember a few years ago when I went to see a doctor about my back, another doctor came in and asked what was the matter. The first doctor said to the second, "He came in today complaining of-"

"Hey," I interrupted. "I'm NOT complaining. I don't complain, ok? I deal with it. I don't complain."

It's like I was channeling Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino.

"Sorry, sir," said the first doctor. "It's just part of our jargon, it's how we understand a patient's chief complaint."

"Oh," I said. "Right."

Anyway, it's gotten to a point now where I have no problem complaining. I'm happy to give the details about waking up in the morning, sitting on the toilet for too long, playing with my daughter, and going to bed at night. I can go on about how I feel crooked and hunched, how I am acutely aware of my acute pain.

I've done physical therapy. I've gone to the chiropractor. Tomorrow I see a specialist. But all this is a long way round my elbow to get to my ass about a conversation I was having with my mom the other day.


Mom: It's good you're going to see someone.

Me: Yeah, I hope they can help. Of course, I can't help but wonder if this was 1813 or even 1913. If someone had a pinched nerve or something, would they just live with it?

Mom: Yes, I think so.

Me: But they'd probably die of consumption before it became something chronic, right?

Mom: Uh, probably.


My next stop will be acupuncture if nothing can be done. They've been doing that for thousands of years. Eventually Western medicine and Eastern medicine will meet somewhere in the middle, right? Weastern medicine?

But hey, I'm open to try anything; weird salves, elixirs, herbs... Maybe even a root.



I know pharmaceutical companies have a bad rep; they're evil and unethical, and now they're above the law somehow. But divorced of politics and money, I am a big fan of modern medicine and science in general.



Of course, left to my own devices on a desert island, I'm pretty much coming up with a spoon and a lean-to. And maybe a sharpened stick.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Lapornia California, RIP H. Montana...

I woke up this morning and flicked through my Facebook feed. Kids going to school, some lingering Ben Affleck hostility, and a lot of stuff on Miley Cyrus and the VMAs.

I clicked for Miley.

Wow.

Let me say that again.

Wow.

I think we can now all agree that the rumors of Hannah Montana being alive and well have been grossly misreported. She is dead, her body decomposing under the floorboards of a backwoods shack somewhere in Appalachia, or on display in the basement of some Disney Seventh Church of Satan.

But nevermind that, say hello to Lapornia California! She works it, she twerks it, y'all watch out for her foam finger phallus!

Yee hah!

Whoo!

Miley Cyrus's VMA performance is so incredibly awesome, so incredibly fantastic. Yes, it's hard to watch, and sure, it has sort of a grand jet-set 'People of Walmart' vibe, but it is just so incredibly AMAZING.

Behold!


Really, it's like a diamond. There are so many facets, so many sparkly things to look at. It is magnificent.

Truly, in a grotesque way, it really is magnificent. We are so used to polished precise performances. This was UGLY.

Or maybe it was more like the Zapruder film. You have to watch it over and over to see where and when the first bullet hits humanity in the throat; knowing the second bullet will obliterate everything.

Ultimately this is everything 'murica. It is a crock pot of milk chocolate and bacon fat with gummy worms, salted peanuts, and ground beef. It's a pair of Crocs with Jibbitz bling and diamonds on the soles. It is a pimped out truck with chrome teeth that stands twenty feet off the ground and crushes other trucks.

And what was with the big booty mama throwing out candy? It was like something out of dancing bear porn. It was so perfectly imperfect and perverse.

This VMA performance, this entertainment spectacle, this Internet buzz marketing moment - its brilliance is blinding.

However, if I were Miley's manager, no, I wouldn't have let last night's performance happen. It was an epic fail. Like teenage back seat fumblings; all elbows, leg cramps, and ow you're on my hair. It was a total train wreck with bodies everywhere.

But if I were a calculating mastermind manager - hmmm, maybe...

...Miley is going to be cruelly mediated over the next few days unless Ben Affleck decides to address all the Batman Afflack, or one of the cast of Glee goes on a killing spree. She will be defended by a few, and she will be a hero to some. But good or bad, she is going to move a lot of music. And people will continue to talk talk talk and bash bash bash. They will meme and rant.

But in a year (or 5) Miley will come out with an experimental acoustic alt folk album with strange and beautiful heartfelt songs she wrote herself (or were penned by Aimee Mann and/or Beck) that the college set will LOVE. And she'll be quietly doing charitable work with wayward teens that will get 'leaked' online - and she will find #redemption...

To everyone who says her music sucks, well, duh.

And as far as the VMAs are concerned, we need to remember the V comes first, the M stands for mediocrity, and if the the A ever mattered - it was a loooong time ago...

Clearly, there are a lot more things in the world to be appalled by - I'm looking at you, Syria. But as we close the chapter on Hannah Montana and open a new one for Lapornia California, let's not forget Robin Thicke's zebra/referee suit bears some blame, too.



All this said I want to close with South Park. When I watched this particular episode of South Park in 2008, it transcended tv. It was art. High art. I suspect even more so now... It is brilliant. And eerie.

Seriously, take 22 minutes and watch it.

{{ UPDATE 9.9.13 }}

I've since viewed the VMA video again. It's really much ado about not much. It's not that shocking. It's just bad dancing, terrible singing, awful costuming, and an ill-conceived performance.

However, in the end, I've actually come to appreciate Miley's fearlessness and commitment - like a bird leaving its nest too soon, but somehow keeping its wings and skull unbroken after the fall and taking clumsy flight.

You go, girl!

But after seeing her new music video:



I am not so sure about her fearlessness. I feel bad for her, and embarrassed. Because it's not so much about a bird, as much as it's a baby goat prancing about the killing floor.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Gardening At Night

I'm a 46 year old man and as I write that out I'm like whoa, how did that happen. But old man or not every night after everyone has gone to bed I go outside, turn on the hose, and water the plants. I water the ones up front by the window until I see the water cascade from the basket. When I can see all the leaves on the ground glisten and reflect light off the streetlights, I bring the hose round back and do those. Same thing. But I water the hanging plants at an angle so they spin; all the way until they have to spin back. 46? I'm barely 17.

(The Chenille plant is always withered at the end of the day, but by tomorrow morning it will have transformed.)

I trudge up to the deck on the garage and water those. I have to be careful not to drag the hose across the solar lights down below because then I have to find the tops in the dark. I water the plants on the ground from up above because I like to think they think it's rain and that I am a god. Also, it's easier. On the garage deck I have one of those upside down tomato planters. It's in its own stand. The yield has been terrible, but once or twice a week I pull off a red cherry and damn if in that moment I don't recognize it as a fruit. I deadhead the marigolds I think are dead, but it's hard to tell because it's dark. Once I'm done I pull up enough slack so I can put the sprayer on the ground before throwing down the rest of the hose. I've broken too many sprayers to know this is the only way. But before I go inside I listen to the whirring drone of air conditioners all around me and the jet that flies overhead. It is not a quiet time, but there is no one and that's nice. The song that goes through my head is just the chorus. 'Gardening at night, gardening at night, gardening at night'.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Work

Temporally speaking...

I had to bring the car in to get serviced today. Mid-town Subaru. Nothing wrong. Just maintenance.

I put my bike on the back. The plan was to ride to work, and then ride back at the end of the day to pick it up.

The highway was going nowhere slowly. (It seems when the weather is really nice or really bad in Chicago, people tend to drive poorly.) So I got off on Diversey and headed north. Well, once I passed the Com Ed headquarters and turned left on Irving Park, I started to hit all the K streets. Keeler, Kildare, etc. And that's when I had my epiphany.

Maybe I had bitten off more that I could ride.


But I'm all about a challenge, and I was committed to make it to the lake.

As I neared what I thought was Medieval Times...



...which was actually Lane stadium,



...I saw a person who looked A LOT like Arun. But it couldn't possibly be Arun. I mean, what are the chances?

Well, turns out it WAS Arun.


S: Arun?

A: Steve?

S: Arun!

A: Hi, Steve. Do you live around here?

S: Nope, not at all.

I explained about my car, and Arun explained about dropping off his son at the day care.

S: Ok, man. I'll see you at work.

A: You'll probably beat me. I have to take a bus to a train, so...

I went on my way and Arun on his. Mine was a circuitous route as I went down Avondale (just off the highway) with its beautiful suburban pockets of tranquility. And then over one and down another until I found myself on Addison



and then down to Belmont



and finally the lake.


I used to bike LSD all the time when I lived on Montrose. Man, I loved biking along the lake.

So. Damn. Beautiful.

I locked up my bike and went into work. Who should be getting on the elevator at the EXACT SAME TIME?

S: Arun?

A: Steve?

S: Arun!

A: Hi Steve!

S: How is this even possible?

A: Well, my train caught on fire.

S: C'mon, man. Let's not make excuses.

A: No, seriously. It caught on fire. Everyone had to get off.

S: Seriously?

A: Seriously.


Chicago Tribune

Anyway, that's it. I thought it was weird it timed out SO PERFECTLY.

Epilogue:

At the end of the day I took a more direct line to pick up the car. I took Milwaukee all the way up. And here's the thing. Once you get past Wicker Park, it's like a whole other world. Specifically, Poland.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Caspin6

I do a short story challenge every now and then. This is the one I do.

NYC Midnight

I was in the top 5 of my group in Round 1, so I moved on to Round 2, Group 4.

Genre: Sci-Fi
Subject: The Olympics
Character: A physical trainer
(Not more than 2000 words - I only used 1102.)


Caspin6

Caspin6 was once an Olympic hero, but fell from grace. Now is the chance to redeem himself.



Like a goose. Your head is up, proud. Strong. Yes, like that. Never side to side. Never! Stay focused.

Caspin6 loved the boy as if he was his own son. The boy was smart, he was funny, and he had a strong jaw. And the boy loved Caspin6 like a father. Caspin6 remembered the moment when the boy’s mother first approached him at an amateur level event.

“Are you Caspin6?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

She pushed the boy in front. “He’s a prodigy,” she said.

HE is not your opponent. SHE is not your opponent. THIS is your opponent. THIS is your enemy. You must consume your enemy.

The boy was eight maybe nine. He was all blonde hair and ketchup stains.

“What’s he, eight?” asked Caspin6.

“He’s six,” said his mother. “Just turned.”

“And I’m a hundred and six.”

“Please,” pleaded his mother. “Or he’ll be sent to the mines and his life will be a waste.”

Always break your enemy. Break them in half. Always. Break them in thirds if you can.

Caspin6 looked into the eyes of the boy’s mother. They were steadfast and unblinking. In fact they were almost lifeless save the tears streaming out the sides and rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” said Caspin6. “He’s too old. You should have come to me when he was four. By the time he’s ready, he’ll be fifteen. Today’s champions are ten, maybe eleven. There’s just not enough time.”

"He’s only six,” the boy’s mother cried. “I swear.”

But that was years ago. And more than two decades since competitive Hot Dog eating had become an Olympic sport, which was when the world belonged to Caspin6…

Caspin6 had been a prodigy as well. By the time he was six he was able to swallow half-pound burgers in a single gulp. He could drink 4 liters of SuperCoke in under a minute. He had set 7 world records by the time he was nine. He saw his first Olympics when he was eleven. He went gold in solids, liquids, and oils – the first time someone had won the Triple Trache since Kalel18.

Caspin6 was a legend, and at 15 he went to the Olympics again. He went gold in liquids and oils. Men wanted to be like him, women swooned in front of him. Caspin6 was driven. But during the Hot Dog competition, he lost focus. He became distracted by the crowd cheering his name; and dipped his hot dog bun for a millisecond too long thus rupturing his esophagus and his chance for gorged glory.

When you dip, dip quick. Never let the bun soak. NEVER! You move your wrist like lightning!

Caspin6 hid from the world after his Olympic folly. He kept to the shadows, but with years of esophageal training, he made it back to the fringes of competitive eating. He’d always have the hunger. He would often place and sometimes win. But he was never the same…

The boy was his redemption. The boy was going to make it right again.

Remember when you swallow, swallow hard! Nothing gets left behind. You want to feel it in your chest, you want it to echo in your glutes, and you want it to land at your feet.

The boy had been to the best doctors, the best dentists, the best larynx men, the best esophagus men. The boy had been checked out by everyone. His mother had been right. The boy was a prodigy.

Breathe in! Deeper! Now hold it. Hold it. Hold. Stretch your cheeks. Stretch them! Feel the burn! There was was a trumpet player – I can’t remember his name - but his cheeks were as big as oranges. I want yours as big as grapefruits!

The boy had perfected the water training. He was able to keep 6 liters of carbonated water down in his belly no problem. There was no room for improvement. The GulletXspander6 was certainly controversial, but everyone at that level was using it. And it wasn’t all the pharynx drills. The boy could do those upwards and backwards. But perhaps the JowlsX9000Pro had been too much.

Yes, perhaps the JowlsX9000Pro had just been too much. Had they flown too close to the sun?

Hunger is not in your belly. It’s in your heart! And it’s in your mind.

Caspin6 had taken the boy all the way to the Olympics. They were heroes. The crowds threw breading at their feet. As the games began, the boy easily won the liquids. He also won the oils. And now he was favored to win the Hot Dog competition 10 -1. He would complete Caspin6’s legacy. Presidents, emperors, and dictators gathered to watch the Windpipe Wizard and the Boy who would be King. The world drew a breath and watched…

But ‘twas not to be.

Caspin6 could hardly remember all that happened. He could see flashes of light. He could hear screams. There were sirens. There was shouting. Someone pushed him down…

Caspin6 closed the door and sat at his desk. He leaned back in his chair, rubbed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He brought up the hologram of the Hot Dog competition from the night before. The blue light shimmered in front of him and the boy appeared. His technique was flawless. Every bite was masterful. Each chew had such economy and power. The way he lifted his head, like a goose, was all with a rhythm and sense of divine purpose. The way his fingers pushed and caught and pushed, the way he kept his elbows in. A tear rolled down Caspin6’s cheek. It was so beautiful. Such beauty. He stopped the hologram, and took a slow breath in and out. Caspin6 looked through the dark. And then he let it continue.

The boy had quickly ripped the hot dog into thirds. He dipped them into a shallow bowl of water before shoving them in his mouth and filling his cheeks like parachutes. Chew, release, chew, release. Grace, such grace. And then on the down bite, there it was. His left cheek. The boy was going to need stitches, perhaps even reconstructive surgery. Caspin6 stopped the hologram again and looked away. He stopped the hologram again and looked away.

Caspin6 was tired. His hands were tired. His mind was tired. He felt dead. He grabbed a handful of SuperFritos sitting on the desk, threw them to the back of his mouth and swallowed. Within seconds he could feel his arteries open wide and the stream of blood rush into the waiting valves of his heart. The familiar ka-pound ka-pound ka-pound in his chest sent back a current of electricity throughout his body. He could see his fingertips pulse. He was hungry.

Fin.


BONUS: If you're interested in the creative proces, what's below is how the story went until about 6pm on Sunday. I was worried about the suckitude. So I read it to my wife who confirmed the suckitude. So I pretty much scrapped it and started over. I got it done, and uploaded with two minutes to spare - 10:58pm (CST)...


Caspin6

Caspin6 was tired. His hands were tired. His mind was tired. He felt dead. He grabbed a handful of Zestulon sitting on his desk, threw them to the back of his mouth and swallowed. Within seconds he could feel his arteries open wide and the stream of blood rush into the waiting valves of his heart. The familiar ka-pound ka-pound ka-pound in his chest sent back a current of electricity throughout his body. He could see his fingertips pulse. He was alive again.

Caspin6 leaned back in his chair and raised his calendar. The blue light shimmered in front of him. He waved it three weeks prior and stared into the screen. He gestured to the left, flicked past three windows, and pulled up the hologram of Caspin9 singing Happy Birthday in Zoran. Caspin9 looked just like Caspin8 except for his chin. No dimple.

Such a sweet voice, thought Caspin6.

Hearing footsteps he waved his calendar back to the day. A brilliant blue flag with a bright yellow star hovered over his desk, and next to it a picture of Caspin12, the youngest male three generations removed. The door opened. Kalel18 was dressed in a suit the same color as the flag. A bright yellow pin shined from his chest.

“I see you’re set,” said Kalel18 in his booming voice looking through the screen.

“Yes,” said Caspin6, the flag floating between them.

“How is he today?”

“He’s good,” said Caspin6. “He’s good, still asleep. It’s going to be a good race.”

Kalel18 stared down at Caspin6.

“There’s something different about you today.”

“No, I’m the same. Always the same.”

Kalel18 reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver sheet. He held it out to Caspin6.

“Is this necessary?” asked Caspin6.

“No.” But the silver sheet remained.

Caspin6 touched the silver sheet with his fingertip, removed it, and looked away. Kalel18 tapped the sheet twice on the side and once on top.

“Zestulon?” he asked. “Almost thirty? How are you not bouncing off the walls?”

“I’m 119 years old.”

“I’m 130 and I would be in orbit.”

Caspin6 shrugged his shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be taking Zestulon,” continued Kalel18. “It’s only for athletes. Or possibly children. Do you have enough for Caspin12? Please tell me you didn’t take all the Zestulon. Caspin12 is racing in less than three hours.

“There’s plenty of Zestulon. Not to worry.”

“I don’t need to tell you how important this race is.”

“No.”

Kalel18 cleared his throat and put his hand on his chest.

“In 3106 contact was made, in 3108 the games were played, in 3110 Earth was betrayed, in 3112 the Zorons were slay-“

“I know how it goes,” said Caspin6. “I was there.”

“This is the 3162 games. This is historical. The worlds are watching.”

“I know.”

Kalel18 raised his arm in a salute. Caspin6 mirrored him.

“I’ll be on the top deck,” said Kalel18 before clicking his heels and disappearing down the hall.

Caspin6 rubbed his eyes, took a deep breath. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and removed the false bottom. He pulled out a flag. On one side it was Earth’s flag, a bright yellow star set against a brilliant blue background. But on the other side it was a deep red with six green dots – the Zoronian flag.