Zombie Apocalypse

Last night around 2am an alarm goes off.

Beep beep beep beep...

It's not the clock. It's not my phone. I go out to the hallway. I'm still half asleep.

Beep beep beep beep...

Is it upstairs? Is it downstairs? Could it be the laundry or the dehumidifier? Did we run the dishes?

Beep beep beep beep...

I can't figure out where it's coming from.

Beep beep beep beep...

Is it carbon monoxide? Do I need to get everyone out of the house? Should I get jackets?

Beep beep beep beep...

Where the fuck is that coming from?

I reach for a light switch and turn it off.

Off? What the fuck?

There's no power.

Ah, no power. It must the backup battery. This happened once before. And I know where that damn thing is now. I punch in the code to shut off the alarm and then unplug the backup battery. I feel good about this. Experience has its rewards.

I call 311, report the outage. And I make a plan to go to Home Depot in the morning to get a new battery. No problem.

Beep.

What the fuck is that?

But it's just one beep, and different in tone. I wait and listen for more. Nothing. Ok, it's probably just a residual safety beep. I get back into bed.

Beep.

I listen, wait. It's only the one. Ok, maybe it's just two residual safety beeps.

Beep.

Fuck.

I get my phone and time the beeps. They're a minute apart. It must be a backup to the backup, but I have no idea where that is. Anyway, it's a power outage. Everything is fine. Maybe I can fall asleep between the beeps.

Beep.

Fuck.

I get out of bed and step into the hallway. I stand in the dark and listen. I wait for it...

Beep!

I make out a wall wart up near the ceiling, a smoke alarm.

Beep!

It's not a beep that says, hey wake up sleepyhead. It's an ugly beep. It says wake the fuck up dude.

How can my wife and child slumber through this?

I get a chair and investigate. I twist the alarm off the wall. It's hardwired. I hold my phone up to it, try to read what it says.

Beep!!

DO NOT REMOVE UNLESS ELECTRICITY IS OFF.

Electricity or not, I'm not removing this from the wall. It's got wires. An experience when I was ten says all wires are bad.

Beep!!

Fuck.

And now I notice my dull headache. Is it from the carbon monoxide? I grope at the alarm thinking there's a secret compartment. There is. It houses a 9 volt battery. I take it out.

Whoo hoo, I am THE MAN!

(I feel like I should go to the bathroom and pee with the door open. Huzzah!)

Beep!!

What?! But I took the battery out!

Fuck...

What to do, what to do...

Beep!!

Home Depot is 24 hour. I'll just run out right now and get a new 9 volt. Problem solv- wait, the garage door is electric. Shit.

Maybe, just maybe, and only just maybe, there's a 9 volt in the drawer...

O M F G! There are four new 9 volts just sitting there! I put one in the alarm.

No beeps.

Awesome.

I go back to bed.

Hello, sweet slee-

Beep!

FUCK!!

The dull throb in my skull is growing sharper. I google alarms and beeping. Apparently, everyone has this problem.

I read about pressing the silence button.

Ok, I have a test button.

I press it.

Beep!! Beep!!

Fuck!

I go to the front window and look outside, contemplate my next move. All the houses are dark. The streetlights are off, too. There is NO electricity. None. It's soooo quiet. What was that show I was supposed to watch tonight? The one where there's no more power? Revolution? Could this be a marketing gimmick? Is that legal? Or is this a mass survival of the fittest? It better not because I JUST started a new gym routine. I am NOT in shape for this unless that shape is round.

Fuck.

How long will our food last? I just made that chicken. Damn. We're probably only good until about lunch. Wait, are there any tomatoes left? Did I see a pepper the other day when I was watering?

Beep!

Fuck! I'm not a farmer. Hell, the basil went to seed in a month. We're so fucked...

I see a cat dart across the street. I imagine a pack of zombies walking down my block. Brains... I look at the front gate, which someone has left open. Classic. I remember the baseball bat in the back of my closet. Just aim for the head, crush it like a melon...

Beep!

FUCK!

I go downstairs and get some screwdrivers - which are a 'go to' tool for me. I get back on the chair and shine my phone on the alarm where the wires are. There's a little plastic lip. I bet if I just press it down and pull...

HA!

The alarm is free of the wall. It's off the grid. I pull the new 9 volt out as well.

NOW I am THE MAN!

Sleep will be mine and I'll deal with this in a few hours. It's all-

Beeeeeeee e e eep.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I stare at the battery-less unconnected alarm in my hands. I am slightly unsettled. I consider taking it outside and servicing it with a brick.

Ok, the alarm must have held on to one last charge in trying to carry out its sole soul saving purpose.

I wait another two minutes in the dark with the smooth round piece of plastic in my hands.

Nothing...

It's over.

Phew...

Still, WTF?!

There's a scene in the Simpson's Itchy and Scratchy Land (Season 6 Ep 4) in which even though the robots are off, they scream when you take off their face plate.

AHHHHHH!

Nothing has beeped in the last 10 minutes. I'm good.

I'm good...

I lie in bed a beeping victor. It's 3:30. My phone is almost out of juice. I'm so tired...

At 3:33 the power comes on. I hear clicks and whirrs. The ceiling fan begins to turn.

Well, I probably won't need the bat. And I'm sure the chicken is still good.

The Walking Blessed

So we were visiting friends in Charlotte NC. Beautiful city, beautiful weather, we had a lovely time... Late morning on Sunday we went to a playground at their church so the kids could climb and run around. Yes, the parking lot was full, but we weren't thinking about the time. We just needed a jungle gym and it was the closest one. Well, the bells started to ring.

"Oh, crap," said our friends. "They're letting out. We have to go or we're never getting out of here. Go, go, go!"

I know this is wrong for me to say, but it was like something out of 'The Walking Dead' with everyone slowly exiting the church in a blessed daze. Sure, instead of rags and rotting flesh, it was fresh crisp clothes and bright clean skin, but we were soon surrounded. And trapped...

Although slightly delayed, we made it home for lunch unscathed.

Hard Math

Good news: I found my bike bag with my keys and wallet.

Bad news: For about 1/2 hour, I wallowed in the hard math of canceling credit cards, remembering what other cards and passes would have to be replaced, getting a new drivers license, getting all new locks for the condo building, getting all new keys for the condo building peeps, getting new car keys, changing the lock on car, etc.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Long story short, it had fallen off when I was riding. Once I figured it out, I rode against traffic retracing my steps. (Stupid) But I also made the Office Depot people search through their security tapes because that was the last place I was. (Desperate.) But that was after looking in all the trash cans like cop show procedural. (Pathetic.)

All the hard math was making my head and chest explode as I. And then my cell phone buzzed. A couple from Green Bay celebrating their 25th anniversary had seen my bag on the street and picked it up. They had called my gym and my gym was now calling me. I called the couple and met them where they were about to order dinner. I thanked them, I hugged them, I bought them dinner.

'No, we're fine,' they said.

'I did all the math,' I said. 'You don't have a choice.'

TEXT: Thanks again. Your dinner is just like me... all taken care of. Happy 25th anniversary!