Hamster wheel turning..
Ok, wait a second...
Almost got it.
Everyone hold on...
Ok.
Did I just figure out the fundamental difference between Democrats and Republicans? I mean besides all the bible science wizard math magic vagina stuff.
The FLOTUS is working with the gov't school lunch program to make lunches better/healthier for kids. She's also working with Mars to STOP making king size candy bars. Perhaps she was in Bloomberg's ear regarding Big Gulp sodas...
...which brings me to...
DEMOCRATS believe we need to be led to filtered and fluoride modified water. Because left to our own devices we'd drink our own urine. REPUBLICANS believe we will build a fire, boil the water to rid it of contaminants, and cool it in the back of our caves - having first used a divining rod to find the water in the first place.
Gov't as provider vs gov't championing personal responsibility, no?
I know it's MUCH more than that, but that's the deep fried nutshell, right? Democrats say gov't should help those who can't help themselves. And the Republicans say gov't should stay out of it. I'm oversimplifying, I know, but this Flaming Hot Cheetos issue has shot a flaming hot light through my skull.
I'm not saying I lean left or right, but as a man who answers the question Are you gonna finish that? with You best mind my rib hand, I appreciate where the FLOTUS is coming from.
Truly.
You'd think I'd be all, Hey, whoa, don't lecture me about triple crust bacon pizzas, chocolate Moon Pies, and bonus size snack bags because I KNOW it's bad for me. I KNOW ALL TOO WELL the vaguely dissatisfied, lethargic, bloated corpse feeling that descends upon me post gorge. But if I want to eat that stuff it's my right as an American. You are not the boss of me. This isn't a fat farm police state. BACK OFF big Gov't!"
But I'm not.
First off, all that crap is readily available at the corner store for purchase, right across from the McDonalds. So no problem. Second off, if I NEED a king size candy bar, I'll do what I did before they existed. I'll buy two. If I need a bonus size bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos - but they're all out, I'll do what everyone else does. I'll buy the next size up, eat it in my car, and throw away the evidence before I get home.
Am I a Democrat or a Republican? I don't know. Don't care. I like to think of myself as an Independent, but I understand that party is no party. I believe sex education should be taught in public schools. I believe contraceptives should be readily/easily available - but not necessarily in a large bin next to shop class. I believe kids shouldn't smoke cigarettes. I believe kids shouldn't drink alcohol. But if you're old enough to vote, I believe you're old enough to smoke and drink. I am unsure about ads for tabacco and alcohol. They're just ads. Just because that ad for the Dodge Challenger is AWESOME doesn't mean I'm going to buy one and race it across an open field during a Revolutionary War reenactment. Same goes with Axe body spray, and who WOULDN'T want to be attractive to hot chicks everywhere? So concerning the new Bicardi 100 proof Slims 100s, the liberal side of me says, let it play. The conservative side says, whoa, shut it down. (Which is probably opposite of how it plays in the real world, no?)
Whether or not this really explains the difference between America's two parties, I like the Democrats. They seem to care about people and their frailties. (I'm sure the Republicans do, too. It's just really hard to tell.) So I am NOT saying that Flaming Hot Cheetos shouldn't be sold to minors. I'm also NOT saying they should be banned in public schools. But I AM saying that I'm totally fine with schools NOT providing those snacks themselves.
You go, FLOTUS!
Although, I should add this: I have a college education, my family is full of doctors, my pants continue to plot against me - yet I wither before a tiny cheese curd. A handful of honey roasted cashews bests me every time. My teen self would have hoarded a locker FULL of Flaming Hot Cheetos just BECAUSE they said I couldn't. So maybe the Republicans have it right...
