According to this test on the internet, I'm a feminist.
No, not really.
Because I don’t like labels, that’s why. I mean no one does, right?
Well, every now and then feminism comes up. Someone’s like, ‘Hey, are you a feminist?’ And I’m like, ‘Sure, I dig chicks.’
Easy. Eeeeasy. Just stay with me. I know exactly who I am, ok. I’m equal rights. Period.
Whoa, what? No, I’m not making a joke. C’mon, man, that’s just a part of speech. I’m using it for empha-
Of course you’re not a man. I just said man because that’s what people say.
Yes, like ‘hey guys.’
Because dude’s not right, right? And I can’t say ‘c’mon, woman’ because that’s even worse.
Ok, now where was I? Right. I’m a word guy. Just the other day I was thinking about Chiberia vs Chillinois. I live in Chicago so you’d think Chiberia, but I prefer Chillinois. I think it’s actually more clever. I saw it on a billboard for vodka and I was like, yeah, that totally works.
Anyway, feminist sounds kinda girly.
What? It does.
No, there’s nothing wrong with girly.
Ok, if I’m looking at two bracelets and one is made of thin gold chains and the other is black steel cable, I tend to go for the black steel cable. Doesn’t mean I’m not girly. I’m comfortable being girly. I like colorful dress socks and umbrella drinks as much as the next guy. I just dig the black steel-.
Girly, I don’t know, it’s got lace. It’s soft…
Yes, boys can like things that are soft. I like things that are soft.
I can’t say girly? Seriously?
Fine. Feminist sounds feminine.
Yes, I know what it means. It just SOUNDS feminine.
No, there’s nothing wrong with feminine. But I’m a guy. I’m a dude. If I’m going to buy myself a jacket I don’t want one that has curves and a bust, ok? I want something kinda boxy that tapers a bit toward the waist, and preferably it has a swing shoulder.
I don’t know, it’s got vents in back, and it gives you a little bit more room when you need to bear hug someone.
Yeah, I hug. What’s wrong with hugging?
Then yes, I guess I’m in touch with my feminine side.
No, I have no problem with feminine. I get it. It’s just a word. And we need certain words to help describe things. It’s so we all understand what we’re talking about. I’m totally on board with that.
Well, I consider myself a humanist. I’m for human beings. It doesn’t matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, social class, height, weight, vertical jump. We should all have equal rights.
I don’t know. I guess I wish feminist was humanist. I think it would be much easier for everyone to get behind.
No, I know. I understand. But it’s like car stall.
Just hear me out. Car stall. It’s totally what it is; a stall in which you park your car. But no one wants to call it that. They want something fancy, a little more all encompassing.
Exactly. People want a garage. I can put my bikes in there. My kid has a Big Wheel. Maybe I have a riding mower. A garage. Feminism should be like a garage where everyone is welcome.
Humanism.
You’re right. No, that doesn’t take into account the centuries upon centuries of unfairness, inequality, and oppression.
Yes, you’re right.
You’re right.
No.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Then fine, I am a feminist.
Yup. A hundred percent.
No, I don’t need this test to tell me. I am absolutely positively hundred percent a feminist.
I’m a feminist I’m a feminist I’m a feminist.
Can I ask you one thing?
The other day I jumped rope for 30 seconds. Well, it was 30 seconds, rest a minute, jump another 30 seconds, rest-
Thanks, I’m trying to watch my figure, so…
I saw you smile.
Anyway, it was hard. Like my heart was going to explode because apparently I lack the cardiovascular superpowers of a little girl.
Can I say that? Is that funny?
You’re laughing so it was ok, right?
Because it’s not as funny if I say boy instead of girl. It’s just not.
Right, but by making this joke I just want to be clear that I’m not trying to retard the progress of civilization and culture.
Oh, c’mon, I used it like a verb!
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