It was Ben Keller, “Hey, what’s up ya’ll, Betsy and I are having a shorty.”
Huzzah for Ben, Betsy, Danielle and Steve, and all the new babies born this year
We raise a glass to you and offer a cheer!
Huzzah!
Yes, well, ‘twas NOW the night of the holiday party and everyone was getting dressed
I was in my office rocking back and forth, my knees pulled to my chest
Chris Claeys walked in and said with a cough, and a bit of phlegm
“Hey, Stein, um, why are the lights off, do I need to replace them?”
“No,” I said. “They’re good. I just need to sit in the dark for a bit.”
I have to read a poem tonight and, well, I ain’t got nothing writ.”
“Doesn’t this happen every year?” he said with concern in his voice
“Yes, I don’t know why I do this, especially as it’s by choice.”
“Well, you better get it together because it’s almost time.
But no matter what you do, you make that fucker rhyme.”
“Ok, you’re not helping, I don’t even have the first line.”
“Twas the night something something, get your coat, you’ll be fine.”
But before we could do anything Santa appeared at the door.
He had a look in his eye, one that said he needed a score
But what really got our attention was the knife in his hand
“Hey,” said Chris. “My daughter sells that brand.”
“Back off old man,” said St Nick brandishing his blade.
“Whoa, who are you calling old? Please. Like I’m really afraid.”
“Don’t make me cut you, man, I’ll fucking cut you! I swear!”
“Ok, Santa, please put the knife down and have a seat in the chair.
But in a quick Kris Kringle clip, Santa sprinted down the hall
“I’m losing my buzz, man,” he said, “I gotta make a call.”
We tried to follow him but he was running too fast
We saw Amy who said, “Yeah, I saw him, he just ran past
He was huffing and puffing like he couldn’t catch his breath
And he said something about needing to score some more meth”
Chris Hafner came round the corner in a cowboy hat and bolo
“Hey dudes, do you have any idea where I could hang my Han Solo”
“Wait, what?!” said Brain Higgins coming through the door
His Star Wars excitement impossible to ignore
“You have Han Solo, that’s gotta be quite a sight.”
“Yeah man, it’s awesome, it’s him suspended in carbonite.”
Cody McGuire strolled up to us with a drink in his hand
“I know what you’re thinking, but this pink shirt makes me the man.”
Nick Chiou was right on cue.
“I know then make those shirts for men, too.”
“Dude, I’m gonna finish this drink, and then you.”
“This isn’t really the time,” I said. “And I don’t mean to be a dick”
“But I think we have other problems, we need to find St Nick.”
We split up and I went round the south side
Tried to think where Pere Noel might try to hide
From Jason’s room I heard what sounded like crying
I crept over quietly so no one knew I was spying
Santa was cowered in the corner with pillows around him like a fort
Jason was smiling, “You know what you need, a nice shot of Malort!”
Santa took a sip and his cheeky red glow took on a greener demeanor
“What the fuck is that, dude? It tastes like an industrial cleaner?”
“Be a man, Santa, throw it back and take a good swig.
Before you know it, you’ll be flying high and dancing a jig.”
Santa drank it down in one gulp and wiped off his chin
“Wow, that is absolutely terrible,” he said with a grin
He ran out the door with me right behind
Santa drunk on Malort was bad for us and bad for mankind
Before he got to the elevator and had a chance to flee
I yelled out, “Someone help! Don’t let him go free!”
Cathi Fremer appeared and took him down with a boom
“What,” she said, “Did you think Troy Polamalu was just a costume?”
“I did,” I said. “But not any more.”
“Geez, man,” said Santa, “I was just trying to score.”
Santa stood up, shook out the cobwebs, and smoothed down his suit
“I’m okay to fly,” he said. “And honestly, this has been a hoot.
On Dustin, on Dan, on Brian-“
“Whoa, hey, as a general rule
You don’t fly interns, Santa, it’s just not cool.”
“Hey Papa Bear, settle down, don’t get so miffed
Old Oak Tap, right? I was just going to give them a lift.”
“Oh-“
“No, I’m kidding, I was totally going to hook ‘em up to the sleigh.
But it’s cool, I understand that shit’s not ok.”
And with that Santa got in the elevator going down
But not before he kicked his heels and turned around
“I hope my meth addiction hasn’t given you too much fright
So, we’re cool, we’re totally cool, we’re tight?”
“Yeah, I guess everything’s alright.”
“Awesome. Happy birthday to Chris Hafner, Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!”
Video Pam took...
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