Normally my wife and I shop for groceries at Whole Foods Sunday morning. But because of one thing and another, I had to run out Sunday night to get supplies. It was crazy crowded. There was a security guy blocking the entrance until more cars left. It just happened to be the eve of Polar Vortex 3, but I don't think that was the problem.
Let me go back a second.
Personally, I'm fine with GMOs and fruit that stays fresh for a month. But we started shopping at Whole Foods when we had our daughter. My wife and I didn't like the idea of her developing breasts as a six year old.
And then we bought into the philosophy of paying for organic food now instead of medical care later.
But I hate shopping at Whole Foods, and I shop at a NICE one. I mean a REALLY NICE one. It's the Wholy Foods Cathedral on Kingsbury across from the strip club. It's huge! There's a bar right when you walk in, but there's another bar for wine and cheese on sort of an island between the liquor and dairy - which as I write it out makes a lot of sense. There's a 'Taste of Chicago' section with BBQ, burritos, and pizza. There's a grill and a sushi bar. You can eat upstairs, or outside along the river. There's a baby section and a toy area. You can buy shoes, socks, and hemp spun hoodies. There's a community center where they play trivia games and sing songs - no, I'm not kidding. The people who seem to live there aren't necessarily homeless. Maybe officeless is a better word with all their laptops, tablets, and smartphones. The tables in this area are from CB2. They're called Darjeeling Dining Tables and they're made from reclaimed railroad ties. I know this because we looked at them for our own dining table. (Eventually we got something from Ikea. It's made from baby seals, but it creates a reasonable airiness in our dining area.)
The reason I hate shopping at WF is trifold. The first one is obvious. It's expensive. We go once a week and I don't get out of there for anything less than a $250. Ever. The second is the perceived superiority as it relates to parking. Even those behind the wheel of their low emission SUVs (powered by repurposed sewage) are total assholes - just like you and me. No one wants to walk an extra 20 feet if they don't have to.
BECAUSE AMERICA, YO!
(That's why I started parking on the roof. No one wants to be in uncovered unheated area fully exposed to the elements.
Again, BECAUSE AMERICA, YO!)
But here's the third reason, and the big one. And I'm sure I'm wrong to feel this way - but I can't stand the people who walk around with a glass of wine and/or beer in their hands. I find it irritating. Just stay in the bar area...
Maybe if it was in a red Solo cup it wouldn't be so bad. Or something styrofoam, something casual. But it's not. The beer is sloshing around in formal attire.
"Hey, look at me," says the Belgian IPA. "I'm in a goblet."
"Ya,' says the Doppelbock. "I'm in a Pilsner."
"That's all well and good," says the Flanders Oud Bruin. "Snifter here."
The beer is pretentious. I think that's what it is. And the wine, well, its glass has a delicate stem - it's snooty by default.
Hmmm, how to put this?
Shopping for groceries is NOT a quaint bespoke outing!
You don't call up your friends and say, "Hey, I know, let's get some beers, push a cart around and fill it with produce. We can check out the 5-Step™ Animal Welfare Rating in the meat area, sample some free range olives, and get a pound of bulk quinoa. It'll be a blast."
YOU'RE IN A GROCERY! No one wants to be there if they don't have to. Sure, it's lovely, but it's a place to buy kale and recycled toilet paper. IT'S A FUCKING GROCERY! Put your beer/wine down, buy your organic frozen pizza, and go home...
Because now you're just some bearded hipster dbag with a handcrafted German import lolly gagging haphazardly in the baking aisle trying to decide if you want the amber organic honey, the dark organic honey, or maybe it's time to agave nectar a try. I've got a list, dude! I need to get the grape jelly with the bear on it, and be home before my wife loses her mind with the baby!
Ain't nobody got time for this!
Bah!
Now where was I? I don't even remember. It was crowded and everyone was in my way.
"Excuse me."
"Ooops, sorry."
"No, you go ahead."
"Right behind you."
"Ooops."
I got through my list and headed to the check out. Luckily no one in my lane noticed there were two registers and the first one just had two single dudes with baskets. I made it to the belt and started to unload.
"Is there some end of the world newsflash I missed," I asked the clerk. She looked at me blankly. "Because it's so crowded?"
"Oh, that," she said. "That's just Sunday night. It's always this crowded."
"What's with all the beer and wine?"
"You're like the fourth person to ask that. I don't know. People like to drink."
"And shop for groceries."
"Yeah, I guess. That'll be $284."
Sigh...
When I got home I told my wife about my unbridled hostility toward the crowds and beer swilling cart pushers.
"I think it's fine," she said.
"What? Seriously?"
"Well, if your kids are driving you crazy and you have to get the shopping done, it might as well be pleasant."
"But-"
"No mom wants to drag their kid into a bar in the middle of the afternoon. Or drink at home alone. If I wasn't nursing I would totally call up some friends and-"
"But they're in my way!"
"Everyone's in your way."
Sigh...
Damnit, she's right. Well, mostly right. Just keep it moving, people. And while grinding your organic Blue Mountain coffee beans grown by Jesuit Monks in Hawaii, remember not to leave your driving gloves behind.
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