Orange Is The New Beige

UPDATE 6.30.14

Finished watching season 2 last night and here's my revelation: OITNB does not entirely suck. You just need to get past season 1. Once you do, you'll enjoy ep 1 of season 2. Ep 2 will bring you back to season 1 - suckage (dumb, not funny). But then once you make it to ep 3 of season 2, it moves along at a pretty good clip. Not sure if they changed writers or what happened, but once it stops trying to be funny and all hardcore Oz, it's pretty good.

As far as OITNB as a whole, my friend Niki brilliantly put it like this:

If you watch OITNB backwards, it's about a bitter, hardened criminal who goes to prison, finds she has a softer side, and learns to love Jason Biggs.

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ORIGINAL POST 11.12.13:

My wife and I started watching OITNB because we finished House of Cards - which was AWESOME. I had some hesitations about OITNB because I'd loved Weeds - until Season 5. Up until then, I loved it. It was fun, funny, and charming. I cared about the different characters. Brill!

But then Season 5 - 8 sucked AND blew. It's like Jenji Kohan just texted in her scripts. They were thin and self absorbed. They were pointless and stupid. A waste of everyone's time.

So I was trepidatious...

SPOILERS AHEAD.

Head back now. Click away.

Ok?

Ok.

In the first episode of OINTB - there's a lot of explaining. I understand. It's a pilot. We need to know what's going on. But is the premise that Piper carried drug money once ten years ago?

I mean, seriously, that's it?

It's like one of those things that pops up in your Facebook feed from Huffington Post that gets a lot of people's panties all bunched:

That's bullshit!
Totally sucks to be her!
It's Obama's/the Republican's fault!
Won't someone think of the children?!

Ok, fine. She's a fish out of water, let's go with it.

But we're also going to keep cutting back and forth in time like a student film? Really? This is the best you can do?

Ok, fine. All my friends seem to like this show. I'll watch the next episode.

Well, I won't hash out the plot - I'm only four episodes in. I don't hate the show. I'm entertained - mostly. But I know where everything is going already. That is, I doubt we're ever going to see any blood (unless it's in a tampon, and/or in spite the weighted importance of the missing screwdriver/dildo) - just hair pulling and scratching. The guard (John) and inmate (Dayarana) will fall in love and boy howdy that'll be complicated. Red is tough, but she cares. Miss Claudette was just getting revenge because men are terrible. Pornstache will get his comeuppance, or maybe he'll grow a heart. Blah blah blah.

I don't know. Maybe there will be some clever 'twists' coming up.

I hope there will be some clever twists coming up.

I haven't figured out OINTB's tone yet. It seems like it's sorta trying to be Lost with its character flashbacks. Or maybe it's trying to be like Oz with its HBO prison tough talk - which is mostly laughable/cringeworthy - "Shelly had been growing out her nails, mauled that girl like tiger" - makes me hunch my shoulders as I write it.

Or maybe it's trying to cash in on early Weeds with its smartypants whimsy and humor.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't like the show. Its characters are caricatures. Seriously, ALL the men are this DUMB and MEAN? Are we really going to hit ALL the lesbian tropes - fat butch, girl school, waif, stud, lipstick, AND hasbian? Are we in a prison or are we in a women's dorm with a couple of mean-spirited RA's? The guy that runs the tool dept - is that really a part? I mean, he's not just a gaffer who steps in to say a few lines sometimes?

Wait, let's go back to the lesbian thing. Is OITNB trying to be edgy? Is that even a thing anymore? The late 90s called and wants its edge back. Maybe there be a Christian values character introduced in an upcoming episode who witnesses some 'lesbianism', and then the script will get all didactic/preachy?

Please tell me no.

Nooooooooooooooo!

Sigh... I like some of the characters, especially Sophia and Miss Claudette. And like I said, I'm only four episodes in - I'm intrigued to see where it goes. But Jenji Kohan is no Aaron Sorkin - not by a long shot, not by a concisely written piece of wordy dialogue.

{{{ UPDATE }}}

More spoilers...

Ok?

Ok.

We finally finished the season. It was NOT appointment tv. It was casual show up tv.

We wanted to see how things panned out; which was more or less what we expected. Except for the end when Piper breaks bad and seemingly murders Pennsatucky - which meant the screwdriver/dildo had a purpose.

But seriously?

For real?

That's where you're going to go? Piper's a murderer?

Well, that's interesting. I'll give you that. It's interesting. Regardless, we're not planning to stream season 2.

Well, maybe to see where it goes, but... a guilty unpleasure.

Orange is the New Beige is being too kind. Orange is the New Blah. I'm sure this will be on some Best of 2013 lists. But I won't know why.