No, that's not it. I have no idea what's going on.
The social media and news outlets combined with the universal broadcasting rights in the Venn diagram of Greenwich Mean Time have me all confused.
That is, my phone and internet tell me things as they happen, and then my TV tells me in widescreen HD glory half a day later. My Olympic experience is a micromoment of factual joy sans nail-biting thrill, like a suspended automatic nostalgia.
Let's start with the opening ceremonies? They piped in 'sulphur smell' for the part about the industrial revolution? Whuh? Seriously? And then... what... was... everything?
Is that a shire? Are they now removing sod? Is Kenneth Branagh the ghost of Olympics past? Ok, now there's dancing, texting, and status updates... Wait, what's happening? Who's the girl with the big hair? That's the guy who invented the internet - not Robert Cailliau and Vinton Cerf? Beckham as Bond? Bond and the Queen skydiving? Ok, that was kinda cool, but corny - props to the queen, though. But Mr Bean gets a whole 'Chariots of Fire' bit? Is that Vodlemort? WHAT... IS... GOING... ON?
Just give us amazing fireworks and Paul McCartney. Otherwise China kicked everyone's ass from 2008.
All I know is that I'm vaguely disappointed Michael Phelps didn't win a gold medal in EVERYTHING he swam. (Yes, sure, he's the most decorated Olympic athlete in history, but I just wanted more. Didn't we all?) And NBC seems to be all over the place, but not in a good way.
Also, the woman's* gymnastics team makes me feel inadequate; like I'm some sort of soft fat un-limber man. Yet, somehow I feel superior in how I choose to wear my hair (or lack thereof). The gymnasts' hair is pulled back and staple gunned SO FREAKING TIGHT, they are unable to blink. But maybe that's the secret to their balance beam success.
Lastly, beyond gymnastics, aren't we all sort of checking for Olympic cameltoes and wedgies during beach volleyball and diving? No? Just me?
(Hmmm, I think that last part was out loud. Ooops.)
And when did wearing bras on the outside become a thing? Or is that just Australia?
Speaking of Australia. Two words; Michelle Jenneke.
Ok, back to your regular scheduled programming.
USA! USA!
PS. NBC, what are you doing? Seriously?
* At the risk of sounding like a cranky old man, the women's gymnastics team is really a girl's gymnastic team. There is only one who is 18. Totally get that youth is unappreciated/uncelebrated in this country and that greatness knows no age, but shouldn't there be a 'tween Olympics or something? Because it seems unfair to train balls out as a kid and lose parts of your childhood. And that as a college freshman you are considered over the hill. Ok, soapbox removed. Have a nice day!
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