Go ahead, click back to where you came...
I'll wait.
Ok.
Yes, it's cool looking. The effects are amazing. Bain's mask is neat. Catwoman is hot. And how about that Bat-cycle?!
Bam! Pow! Zowie!
First let me say that I am NOT a comic book nerd. I have nothing against comic book nerds, I am just not one. I don't know when Batman was first published and what in society's timeline it was reflecting. I don't know Bruce Wayne's blood type or what his dad did for a living. I know the Joker, Riddler, and Penguin. Oh, and the Boy Wonder.
That's my disclaimer. I'm coming to this movie clean. Although, I have to say the last one was pretty good, but made great because of Heath Ledger. Stellar performance there. Stellar. Made Jack Nicholson look silly...
But let's move on. Let's start with Bane.
Who the fuck is Bane?
Bane?
Ok, ok, he's one of many villains who pop up from out of nowhere and into Gotham. Let's just accept that. Gotham, which seemed like it was Chicago, but now seems like New York, is all about costumed psychopaths. Fine.
Bane was apparently born in prison and then he studied under Ra's al Ghul - who all of sudden appears as a Qui-Gon Jinn vision in Bruce Wayne's prison cell... which is where exactly? Isn't it in some Southeast Asian desert? What world is this? This isn't 'Game of Thrones'.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We start with a plane jacking. Cool. Very 007. Then we're introduced to Bruce Wayne as Howard Hughes. Catwoman makes her appearance. Miranda Tate is apparently someone. Then Bane and his thugs storm into the stock market, guns pop pop popping.
THIS SCENE IS TERRIFYING BECAUSE OF AURORA. And it makes me sort of sick to see the violence being celebrated here in the movie theater now where it was devastating in another theater just a few days ago.
#TooSoon.
The stock market scene, by the way, is also a bit too 'on the nose' for me. Yes, we all hate those fat cats on Wall Street.
Yup.
I get it.
We meet Blake - a cop who seems to know from his own orphan experience that Bruce Wayne is Batman. Well, ok then. Good detecting, detective. We also meet Foley - the chief of police who's character has a dimension of 1. (Really, Nolan brothers? That's all you have for Mathew Modine? Fine.)
Now Bane begins destroying Gotham by blasting the bridges and buildings, and burying the cops underground.
WHY?
Because Gotham is corrupt?
And... uh, what else?
No? That's it?
Ok.
The football field is destroyed as Heinz Ward runs for a touchdown. You've seen this in the trailer. Cool special effects. Nice! Bane then takes the microphone and addresses the crowd. He explains he's their great liberator and they should take back their city. 'Enjoy the spoils,' he says. The movie cuts to well dressed men being pulled out of their sports cars and women in fur coats being dragged out onto the sidewalk in front of their posh apartment buildings.
I have two issues.
A) Really? A lady in a fur coat? Why not some old guy in a top hat and tails?
Biff! Pow!
B) Bane is addressing people at a pro football game. This is the upper middle class. Tickets are at least $100 a pop. They're wearing $75 jerseys, eating $6 hot dogs, and drinking $8 beers. These people are NOT the oppressed demographic. The uprising is NOT starting at a pro-football game.
I mean the gridlock getting out of the parking lot alone - especially now that it's destroyed - is not going to help Bane's cause.
;-)
Ok, now Gotham sucks. It's like 1940s Poland. How is this helping, Bane? What is this proving? Corruption is now on a more base level. Also, to what end is this happening now that we know the bomb is going to destroy everything in 5 months anyway?
Fine, let's just accept it.
Bruce Wayne loses all his money. He starts a relationship with Miranda Tate. Really? Ok. Then Bane breaks Batman's back and takes him to the prison he grew up in, which again, is WHERE? Mordor? Fine. Batman heals, does his Rocky thing, and focuses his anger. (The thing about jumping without the rope - that was a good bit.) Now Bruce Wayne shows up in Gotham - where NO ONE is allowed in or out - even though he is without costume and fancy devices. Fine. He hooks up with Catwoman and is able to get to all his fancy weaponry with Lucius Fox. Really? That stuff isn't locked up or guarded? Ok. Fine. Batman's also able to get to his fancy Batplane. No one was able to find it in the 5 months it's been sitting there on top of the building under mosquito netting? Really? Fine. So now there's a big fight between the thugs and the police who have come escaped from the tunnels.
Biff! Bam! Kapow!
**Big Ass Spoiler Coming Through!**
And NOW we learn Miranda Tate is actually Ra's al Ghul's daughter - the one who grew up in prison and escaped with the help of her protector Bane. And then Bane became her lover, but was banished from the League of Shadows by her father - whom she hated and couldn't ever forgive until Batman killed him.
Ah, now it all makes sense.
WHAT?!
Seriously?
#ConvolutedAsFuck
Nolan brothers, there's a difference between plot and story. I mean think about the story of 'Inception' because remember how-
Oh, right. Nevermind.
Now Catwoman comes back and saves the day. You go, girl! Then Batman chases down the bomb and flies it out over the bay - which maybe should have been Plan A from the get go.
Ka-BOOM!
So yes, it looks like Batman is dead, but we know he's in Italy with Catwoman. He has to be. She's too hot a piece of ass. So when I see this at the end, I imagine Ratboy and Gnatgirl - it just makes sense, and completes the rhyme scheme. But there's one more thing at the the very very end. Blake discovers the Bat Cave, and we discover his real name is Robin.
Bum bum bummmmm...
Blammo! Zoiks!
Onto the next franchise...
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