Thursday, January 24, 2013

Modern Dentistry, or Like a Keurig for Teeth

Last night I bit into a cupcake. It was two days old, but still soft, sweet, and delicious. As I was about to have my last tasty swallow - What is that, a bone?

It was a piece of tooth. Specifically MY tooth.

Fuck.

I called the dentist first thing this morning to see if I could get in.

"Come in at noon," they said.

Cool.

Noon rolled around and I rode over to the dentist, the cold air sending tiny shocks into my gum line each time I drew a breath. I locked up my bike, parked myself in the dentist chair, and opened my mouth.



"Looks like you had a fracture," she said. "It wouldn't have necessarily showed up on the xray from before."


"We can put in a crown today, though," she continued. "You want a crown today?"

"Sure. You mean like a temporary crown, right?"

"No, we can make it right here."

"Like a 3D printer?"

"Yes, sort of. It's a cad cam, a milling machine. We take some pictures, model it...



...and then take this porcelain cube and put it in the machine."


"Cool."

The machine made a bunch of whirrs and adjustments, sort of like a printer starting up. And then some water jets turned on and my tooth started to take shape.



Seven and a half minutes later it was done. I held it in my hand.



I returned to my chair and sat back with the light shining in my eyes, a drill in my mouth, and pondered what I had just seen.


"Iss srta ike a kurrrik ut fur teef."

She pulled the drill out. "What?"

"It's sort of like a Keurig, but for teeth."

"Um, yes."

She continued to drill and polish everything down. At one point she used a laser - the same kind they use for dog arthritis. I was totally in the future.

"You should take Advil today and tomorrow," she said, "but you're good to go."

"Cool, thanks."

The entire procedure took about an hour and a half. There were needles and drills and cheek pulling, but it truly wasn't very painful...

Except for the end.


;-)

PS. Special shout out to Smiles By Design! Woot!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Facebook For Men (10 Rules)

10) Stop changing your profile picture. You're not a teenage girl. And stop changing your cover photo for the same damn reason. In other words, think of these things like your hair.

9) No one cares what you think about mental health or gun control. You haven't done the research and neither have they. And again, no one gives a fuck what you have to say about it.

8) You're not that witty or hilarious. Stop trying to be.

7) You're not that smart either. Don't portend to be. (See what I did there? It's wrong.)

6) Stop liking EVERYTHING. No one likes EVERYTHING.

5) Stop cheering for your team. Do that shit on Twitter.

4) If something is truly hilarious/amazing - share it. If not, don't. Emphasis on don't.

3) Depending on your hirsuteness, post as often as you shave - not more than once a day, and certainly not more than two or three times a week. If you shave everyday, you shouldn't be on Facebook at all. You should be on match.com or Jdate.

2) Don't be THAT GUY; specifically a jackass, asshole, or anything with ass.

1) Your feelings are like your dreams and workouts. No one wants to hear that shit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

D: I don’t understand. I post something on Facebook that’s important to me, like how I feel about Sandyhook and no one comments or likes anything. I post something about my dog or my kids and everyone likes it.

S: Don’t you understand what Facebook is? It’s just polite tiny conversation. That’s it.

D: What do you mean?

S: Watch. Ask me how I’m doing today.

D: How are you doing today?

S: Fine, thanks.

D: What?

S: That’s it. That’s Facebook. There’s nothing else. No one cares.

D: I don’t get it.

S: Ask me again.

D: How are you doing today?

S: Fuck off.



Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Flaming Wok n Grill

You know that 24/7/365 place on Halsted just north of Chicago Avenue? Just past the Chicago Tribune distribution center and the Greyhound Bus service station? No? Across the street from the Prairie Material gravel pit? The place with all the cabs in front?

Right.

THAT place.

Flaming Wok-n-Grill.

And you know how you always think, Man, I should just go there. It's gotta be good. Cabbies and cops know good food. I bet that place is awesome.

And you know how you mention it to your wife whenever you drive past. "We should go there sometime," you say.

And she looks at you with THAT look. But you continue to smile. So she has to say it out loud.

"Are you serious," she asks.

You nod your head, raise your eyebrows.

She doesn't waste her time with any extra words. "No."

So you mention it to your guy friends. "Yeah, totally," they say. But it's been a year already and no one has brought it up since.

Maybe if Steve Keith lived here...

So one day you're doing errands not far from there. And it's lunchtime. Time and space have intersected. Yes!

You park behind one cab and in front of another. You walk inside. The group of dark skinned men in Kafiyas and sneakers who are crowding the doorway yield nothing as you bump and squeeze past.

"Excuse me," you say.

You can feel their eyes follow you as their voices lower. You have no idea what they're saying anyway because you don't know Pakistani or Hindu or whatever language they're speaking. Maybe it's about Downton Abbey. It sounded like the one said Grantham.

As you take a few steps inside, more looks from other dark skinned men finishing their meals; bones in their mouths, rice and grease on their chins.

A few of them are flat out staring at you.

What's with whitey?

In the corner is a TV playing some sort of Bollywood musical. A woman in a veil is dancing and singing on a mountainside. All of a sudden a dozen women join her.

You search the wall behind the counter for a menu. There is none. There are a half dozen half empty chafing dishes behind a sneeze guard. Most of it is brown with pops of yellow, orange, or green; layers of red grease pool in the corners.

A man in a short sleeve dress shirt comes out from the back. The handwritten sign near the door says 'No admittance'. He seems genuinely surprised to see you. That must be where they sew the vests. It's like something out of Homeland.

"Hi, how you doing?" he says.

"Good."

"How can I help you?"

You look down at the trays. "What's good?"

"It's all good," he says. "This, this very good. Goat. This very good, too. Chicken."

"How about a little of each?"

"You want bread? Rice?"

"Sure."

The man disappears to the back room. You are just standing there. Another man is standing there, too. He stares straight ahead at the blank wall. The table behind you is staring at the back of your head. You walk to the table under the tv by the window and sit down. Maybe short sleeves will bring you whatever you ordered. You pretend to read a text as you take a quick photo of the men standing in the doorway.

The men who walk past your table seem to slow down as they do. It makes you nervous, anxious. Finally short sleeves appears with two bowls of food and what appears to be a salad. It's really two pieces of lettuce, a couple carrot and cucumber slices, and half an onion.

You spoon in some of the brown and orange food. Damn, if it's not curiously delicious.

"You want rice, yes? I bring you rice and bread."

He comes back with both. They're steaming hot and good.

"Do I pay after?" you ask.

"Yes, yes. You pay after."

It's really more food that you need or want. You can feel yourself uncomfortably expanding. But it's good.

Is it really good? Is it great? You might have just been really hungry. It could be the adrenaline fueled terrorist cell dopamine drip you've accidentally set off inside your skull.

You push the plates away and pyramid the napkins. You reach up and feel the sweat on top of your head. Some of the best meals you've ever had end this way. It's almost like a wet stamp of approval.

No one seems to be staring at you anymore. You go up to the register. You give the thumbs up to short sleeves.

"You like, yes?"

"Yes," you say. "It was good. Thank you."

"Next time I make you goat. You ask for kebab."

You nod.

"How much do I owe you?"

He punches keys on an imaginary calculator.

"Nine dollars plus one. Ten dollars."

You give him twelve.

"Thank you, sir."

You nod. You pull on your coat and collect your things. The men remain in the doorway. The one has his back to you. He doesn't see you. You clear your throat.

"Excuse me," you say.

"Oh, yes. Sorry." He moves aside.

You smile, nod as you slip past. Once outside you think to yourself, I'll ask for the kebab next time.








Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Pure Innocence, In A Sense.

So, yeah, what happened in CT happened and it shook us to the core. Not because we think that's going to happen where we live, but because a child is an innocent. Pure innocence, in a sense.

When I watched tv back in the day and something happened to a child I thought,

Ah, a plot point.

But now, as a parent, when I watch tv and something happens to a child, I get amped up and can feel all my skin.

Nothing better happen to that child!

What happened last Friday was a horror and a senseless tragedy. We can talk about gun control and mental health till we make ourselves crazy and shoot each other in the face; although, it seems a pretty simple first step is to take away the guns.

No guns, no gun violence.



innocence
in a sense
young lives
pure vessels
learning math
reading
playing tag
climbing jungle gyms
walking up slides
drinking milk at lunch
eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
on wheat bread
no crusts
apple slices
young lives
after morning bell
mowed down by bullets
steel shards
ripping through flesh
brains
and
tiny hearts,
tiny hearts stopping
innocence
in a sense
lost


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Flaming Hot Epiphany

Just saw something about some public schools banning Flaming Hot Cheetos because of their nutritional value, or lack thereof...

Hamster wheel turning..

Ok, wait a second...

Almost got it.

Everyone hold on...

Ok.

Did I just figure out the fundamental difference between Democrats and Republicans? I mean besides all the bible science wizard math magic vagina stuff.

The FLOTUS is working with the gov't school lunch program to make lunches better/healthier for kids. She's also working with Mars to STOP making king size candy bars. Perhaps she was in Bloomberg's ear regarding Big Gulp sodas...

...which brings me to...

DEMOCRATS believe we need to be led to filtered and fluoride modified water. Because left to our own devices we'd drink our own urine. REPUBLICANS believe we will build a fire, boil the water to rid it of contaminants, and cool it in the back of our caves - having first used a divining rod to find the water in the first place.

Gov't as provider vs gov't championing personal responsibility, no?

I know it's MUCH more than that, but that's the deep fried nutshell, right? Democrats say gov't should help those who can't help themselves. And the Republicans say gov't should stay out of it. I'm oversimplifying, I know, but this Flaming Hot Cheetos issue has shot a flaming hot light through my skull.




I'm not saying I lean left or right, but as a man who answers the question Are you gonna finish that? with You best mind my rib hand, I appreciate where the FLOTUS is coming from.

Truly.

You'd think I'd be all, Hey, whoa, don't lecture me about triple crust bacon pizzas, chocolate Moon Pies, and bonus size snack bags because I KNOW it's bad for me. I KNOW ALL TOO WELL the vaguely dissatisfied, lethargic, bloated corpse feeling that descends upon me post gorge. But if I want to eat that stuff it's my right as an American. You are not the boss of me. This isn't a fat farm police state. BACK OFF big Gov't!"

But I'm not.

First off, all that crap is readily available at the corner store for purchase, right across from the McDonalds. So no problem. Second off, if I NEED a king size candy bar, I'll do what I did before they existed. I'll buy two. If I need a bonus size bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos - but they're all out, I'll do what everyone else does. I'll buy the next size up, eat it in my car, and throw away the evidence before I get home.

Am I a Democrat or a Republican? I don't know. Don't care. I like to think of myself as an Independent, but I understand that party is no party. I believe sex education should be taught in public schools. I believe contraceptives should be readily/easily available - but not necessarily in a large bin next to shop class. I believe kids shouldn't smoke cigarettes. I believe kids shouldn't drink alcohol. But if you're old enough to vote, I believe you're old enough to smoke and drink. I am unsure about ads for tabacco and alcohol. They're just ads. Just because that ad for the Dodge Challenger is AWESOME doesn't mean I'm going to buy one and race it across an open field during a Revolutionary War reenactment. Same goes with Axe body spray, and who WOULDN'T want to be attractive to hot chicks everywhere? So concerning the new Bicardi 100 proof Slims 100s, the liberal side of me says, let it play. The conservative side says, whoa, shut it down. (Which is probably opposite of how it plays in the real world, no?)

Whether or not this really explains the difference between America's two parties, I like the Democrats. They seem to care about people and their frailties. (I'm sure the Republicans do, too. It's just really hard to tell.) So I am NOT saying that Flaming Hot Cheetos shouldn't be sold to minors. I'm also NOT saying they should be banned in public schools. But I AM saying that I'm totally fine with schools NOT providing those snacks themselves.

You go, FLOTUS!

Although, I should add this: I have a college education, my family is full of doctors, my pants continue to plot against me - yet I wither before a tiny cheese curd. A handful of honey roasted cashews bests me every time. My teen self would have hoarded a locker FULL of Flaming Hot Cheetos just BECAUSE they said I couldn't. So maybe the Republicans have it right...