Exit Before the Bridge

The appointment was at noon. Sure as fuck I wasn't going to be early.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I took a bunch of deep breaths and woke Oliver from his nap.

"I'm sorry, buddy," I said trying not to let my voice quiver. "We gotta go."

I put him in his carrier and went out to the car.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"You know where," I said. "I told you."

"You did?"

"I told you last night and again this morning."

"I know. I'm just fucking with you."

When we finally turned on Webster I took some more deep breaths. I saw the crosswalk light counting down on Clybourn so I slowed to catch the red. I rubbed Ollie's ears.

"That's nice," he said.

I parked in the lot in back. It was beautiful out. A cool gentle breeze, a clear blue sky.

"I think I'm feeling better," said Ollie.

"Please don't make this harder than it is."

Outside the building I pounded my chest with my fist a couple times and walked inside. Thankfully the place was empty.

"Hi, can I help you?" asked the woman behind the desk.

I couldn't say my name.

"Are you here with Oliver?"

I nodded.

"Come this way."

She led me to the first room. It was dimly lit. There was a blanket on the exam counter.

"The vet will be with you in a second."

I put the carrier on the blanket and unzipped everything. I played with Ollie's ears, scratched under his chin. He didn't want to come out.

A dude came in with a clipboard. I couldn't make eye contact so I just kept looking at Ollie.

"Have you thought about the ashes," he asked. He asked quietly and respectfully, but I had already done everything over the phone before I came last Saturday, the first time.

To avoid these things.

"I already did this," I growled softly. "It's already paid for."

The dude slinked out the door.

The vet came in. I continued to avoid eye contact. There was no reason to connect with anyone.

"Have you ever done this before?"

"Yes," I said. "With another cat. NewCat. But he was already asleep from the exam. They found a bunch of cancer."

"Ok, well, we have to put a needle in first," she said. "We can do it in back or we can do it in here with you."

"Here," I said.

She went to the back to gather her supplies. I could hear other animals, people talking. I turned my phone back on; which seemed to take a fucking eternity, and searched for bird sounds on Spotify.

"Birds, buddy," I said. "Just listen to the birds."

"Yeah," said Ollie. "That's kinda nice."

"And think about Rainbow Bridge."

"I don't think that's really a thing, man."

"It is."

"Sure, ok."

The vet came back with the dude.

"John's just going to assist me for a moment."

I nodded. No hard feelings for John.

John shaved Oliver's fur on one of his front legs. And then tapped it to find a vein. He inserted the needle while the vet held onto Oliver.

"Ow!" said Oliver. "What the fuck, man! Is it amateur hour?! What the fuck?! That hurt like a bitch, dude!"

"Sorry," said John.

"Let's get the collar," the vet said to John.

"Yeah," said Oliver. "Go get the collar. I'll fucking take your hand off at the elbow next time!"

"It's ok, buddy," I said. "It's ok. Shhhh. Shhhh."

The vet put a plastic collar around Oliver's neck and John tried the needle again. Finding purchase, he taped it down, and left the room.

"You can hold him," said the vet. "Or we can do it on the counter here."

"I'll hold him."

"Do you want some time?"

I nodded.

I sat down on the chair and put Oliver on my lap. I turned up the bird sounds.

"You can hear the birds, right, buddy?"

"Yes."

I pet him and kissed him over and over and over.

The vet came back, asked if I was ready.

No one's ready.

I nodded.

She knelt next to me and fished out the catheter which was buried under my arm.

"What's going to happen?" I asked.

"I'm going to give him this to get him relaxed," she said holding up a white solution. "And when you're ready I'll give him this." She held up some other solution. Or maybe it was the same. I don't know. There were a lot of tears. "Then I'll check his heart to make sure it's stopped."

I nodded.

I leaned into Oliver's ear.

"I love you so much, little man."

"I know."

From here it's a blur. I don't know how much time went by. It wasn't long. I couldn't see Ollie's face because of how he was on my lap. I just kept petting him and crying and hyperventilating and petting him and crying and hyperventilating. I was a hot hot mess. The vet started crying, too. Here's a giant bulk of a man holding onto a 6 and a half pound cat like all love's gone crying like a goddamn baby.

Oliver seemed calm, relaxed.

"Are you ready?"

NO! I'M NOT FUCKING READY! NO ONE FUCKING WANTS THIS!

I nodded.

I didn't really notice anything in Oliver. I just kept petting him. 

Hot tears, sobbing.

"His heart's stopped," the vet said all of sudden in front of me, a stethoscope in her ears. "He's gone."

The knot in my stomach spasmed. I arched my back and grimaced. I'm sure the vet was freaking out, but I held my eyes shut tight. Maybe this is what I deserved.  

The spasm stopped. I took a long deep breath.

I petted Ollie some more, kissed his head a bunch of times. The vet took him from me in the towel. I saw his paw sticking out and I looked away.

I took a moment and got up to leave, but I went back to Ollie on the table. I saw his tongue out. I don't know that I will ever unsee that. He was dead. I closed my eyes and kissed his head four times.

"Bye little man," I whispered. "I love you."

The vet led me out the back into the sun.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

I walked over to my car and threw the carrier in back, slammed the trunk shut. I held my hands up over my head and stared into the sky. It was a terrible and beautiful blue.

FADE TO WHITE

"Hey," says a voice. "Hey, Oliver. Dude!"

FADE FROM WHITE

Oliver opens his eyes.

"NewCat?"