Beep beep beep beep...
It's not the clock. It's not my phone. I go out to the hallway. I'm still half asleep.
Beep beep beep beep...
Is it upstairs? Is it downstairs? Could it be the laundry or the dehumidifier? Did we run the dishes?
Beep beep beep beep...
I can't figure out where it's coming from.
Beep beep beep beep...
Is it carbon monoxide? Do I need to get everyone out of the house? Should I get jackets?
Beep beep beep beep...
Where the fuck is that coming from?
I reach for a light switch and turn it off.
Off? What the fuck?
There's no power.
Ah, no power. It must the backup battery. This happened once before. And I know where that damn thing is now. I punch in the code to shut off the alarm and then unplug the backup battery. I feel good about this. Experience has its rewards.
I call 311, report the outage. And I make a plan to go to Home Depot in the morning to get a new battery. No problem.
Beep.
What the fuck is that?
But it's just one beep, and different in tone. I wait and listen for more. Nothing. Ok, it's probably just a residual safety beep. I get back into bed.
Beep.
I listen, wait. It's only the one. Ok, maybe it's just two residual safety beeps.
Beep.
Fuck.
I get my phone and time the beeps. They're a minute apart. It must be a backup to the backup, but I have no idea where that is. Anyway, it's a power outage. Everything is fine. Maybe I can fall asleep between the beeps.
Beep.
Fuck.
I get out of bed and step into the hallway. I stand in the dark and listen. I wait for it...
Beep!
I make out a wall wart up near the ceiling, a smoke alarm.
Beep!
It's not a beep that says, hey wake up sleepyhead. It's an ugly beep. It says wake the fuck up dude.
How can my wife and child slumber through this?
I get a chair and investigate. I twist the alarm off the wall. It's hardwired. I hold my phone up to it, try to read what it says.
Beep!!
DO NOT REMOVE UNLESS ELECTRICITY IS OFF.
Electricity or not, I'm not removing this from the wall. It's got wires. An experience when I was ten says all wires are bad.
Beep!!
Fuck.
And now I notice my dull headache. Is it from the carbon monoxide? I grope at the alarm thinking there's a secret compartment. There is. It houses a 9 volt battery. I take it out.
Whoo hoo, I am THE MAN!
(I feel like I should go to the bathroom and pee with the door open. Huzzah!)
Beep!!
What?! But I took the battery out!
Fuck...
What to do, what to do...
Beep!!
Home Depot is 24 hour. I'll just run out right now and get a new 9 volt. Problem solv- wait, the garage door is electric. Shit.
Maybe, just maybe, and only just maybe, there's a 9 volt in the drawer...
O M F G! There are four new 9 volts just sitting there! I put one in the alarm.
No beeps.
Awesome.
I go back to bed.
Hello, sweet slee-
Beep!
FUCK!!
The dull throb in my skull is growing sharper. I google alarms and beeping. Apparently, everyone has this problem.
I read about pressing the silence button.
Ok, I have a test button.
I press it.
Beep!! Beep!!
Fuck!
I go to the front window and look outside, contemplate my next move. All the houses are dark. The streetlights are off, too. There is NO electricity. None. It's soooo quiet. What was that show I was supposed to watch tonight? The one where there's no more power? Revolution? Could this be a marketing gimmick? Is that legal? Or is this a mass survival of the fittest? It better not because I JUST started a new gym routine. I am NOT in shape for this unless that shape is round.
Fuck.
How long will our food last? I just made that chicken. Damn. We're probably only good until about lunch. Wait, are there any tomatoes left? Did I see a pepper the other day when I was watering?
Beep!
Fuck! I'm not a farmer. Hell, the basil went to seed in a month. We're so fucked...
I see a cat dart across the street. I imagine a pack of zombies walking down my block. Brains... I look at the front gate, which someone has left open. Classic. I remember the baseball bat in the back of my closet. Just aim for the head, crush it like a melon...
Beep!
FUCK!
I go downstairs and get some screwdrivers - which are a 'go to' tool for me. I get back on the chair and shine my phone on the alarm where the wires are. There's a little plastic lip. I bet if I just press it down and pull...
HA!
The alarm is free of the wall. It's off the grid. I pull the new 9 volt out as well.
NOW I am THE MAN!
Sleep will be mine and I'll deal with this in a few hours. It's all-
Beeeeeeee e e eep.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I stare at the battery-less unconnected alarm in my hands. I am slightly unsettled. I consider taking it outside and servicing it with a brick.
Ok, the alarm must have held on to one last charge in trying to carry out its sole soul saving purpose.
I wait another two minutes in the dark with the smooth round piece of plastic in my hands.
Nothing...
It's over.
Phew...
Still, WTF?!
There's a scene in the Simpson's Itchy and Scratchy Land (Season 6 Ep 4) in which even though the robots are off, they scream when you take off their face plate.
AHHHHHH!
Nothing has beeped in the last 10 minutes. I'm good.
I'm good...
I lie in bed a beeping victor. It's 3:30. My phone is almost out of juice. I'm so tired...
At 3:33 the power comes on. I hear clicks and whirrs. The ceiling fan begins to turn.
Well, I probably won't need the bat. And I'm sure the chicken is still good.
No comments:
Post a Comment